Part of My Heart

Tears, Hormones, and Bono

2012-02-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Bono,

I had a really rough day. I've been crying a lot this week and just when I thought things were getting better, the big one hit. So I cried until I really just had tears falling off my face.... past the point of knowing or caring what great sadness pricked me to begin with. All I could wonder was WHY do we cry? Why do my eyes drip drop when I'm emotional? Wouldn't you like to know, Bono? Here's what I learned: according to a paper by Wendy Nortlund, "When emotions affect us, the nervous system stimulates the cranial nerve, in the brain and this sends signals to the neurotransmitters to the tear glands. Thus, we cry .The largest tear gland, the lacrimal gland produces the tears of emotion and reflex. Many believe that the body, in times of emotional stress, depends on this gland to release excess amounts of chemicals and hormones, returning it to a stable state." I can't stop thinking about the connection between tears and hormones. I love the fact that tears are supposed to calm you down when you get all worked up. This reminds me of Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." When I was in high school, I would sing a song with those lines. I loved that song. I love to know that God cares about my sorrows. He doesn't tell me to shut up or that I'm stupid. He listens and I know that He is working on my behalf.... even if I'm selfish... even if I can't see the forest for the trees. What a good God!

Anyway, so getting back to this whole thing about tears... I know that when I am super PMSy, that I cry a lot. I always wondered why... what exactly are my hormones up to? Well, HELLO, they're pouring out my face. I'm more emotional at certain times of the month. Things that don't normally rock me will CRUSH my world... and I cry a lot. It's nice to know that the tears are there to bring back stability!!! That is so amazing! Bono, aren't you glad you learned all about tears now?

Then on my way home tonight, I was listening to the radio and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" came on. I can't separate that song from my youth. When I touched your shoe at the Elevation tour, it was one of the highlights of my life. Yes it was. And the morning after the concert I woke up singing Sunday Bloody Sunday from my sleep. Oh yes, I did. So tonight I heard you singing your guts out and I got emotional. And all I could think on the freeway drive home was, "Oh, God, please don't let Bono die. I will be so sad when he dies. I don't want to outlive that beautiful voice." The next thing I knew, I was totally sobbing, "I don't want Bono to diiiieeee!!" It was maybe one of the most crazy moments of my life. And tears are flowing off my face. Suddenly I'm reminded that tears are weird. I don't know why they flow. I need to look it up when I get home. I need to write to you, Bono and tell you all about my hope that you outlive me. I hope you go to heaven so I can listen to you forever. I'm so glad I touched your shoe. I'm so glad your music touched my heart. And then I was calmed... oddly calm... huffing and puffing at the stoplight down the street from my house. The music started to repeat,

"Wipe the tears from your eyes

Wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away

Oh, wipe your tears away.

I wipe your tears away.

I wipe your bloodshot eyes."

So I wiped the tears away. And I laughed a little bit about my outburst over your impending mortality. I will always love your music. And Sunday Bloody Sunday will always bring hormones pouring out my eyes. Bono, don't die.

And in case you want to listen right now....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQZLPV6xcHI

Reflections: My Saturday Job at the Salon

2011-10-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today I started a new adventure. I'm not sure how long I'll be on this "trip," but I'm excited about the possibilities. I've been given the opportunity to work from 8:30-3ish on Saturdays at a hair salon called "Shag." I've been getting my hair cut there for a number of years... and I really like it. I feel comfortable there unlike some of the shi-shi-foo-foo salons where I am made to feel dirty or incompetent just crossing the threshold of the shop. I thought it would be a good way to earn some extra cash, some free hair enhancement.. haha.. yeah. Why not? I've been pouring myself in to learning new things lately. Ukulele class, watercolor class, taxidermy class, etc. Why not learn about hair stuff and get PAID to do it? Make some new friends and get paid for it..... get out of the bubble I'm in all week and get PAID for it?! Woo! I am giving up my Saturdays, but it doesn't have to last forever. I haven't been doing all that much with them anyway- sleeping in and cleaning and grading papers. Well, somehow I'm sure I'll still get all that done, but I'll also have a productive day at the salon too. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm excited about it. Funny thought for the day: the girl who trained me showed up wearing a strapless top that kept inching its way down all day. She was fairly bursting out of it and pretty proud of it. Later one of the stylists showed up with an extremely sheer skirt... you could see all under the whole thing... so the strapless girl looks at me with eyes wide open, "can you believe she wore that?! I can see right through it!".... and I just had to giggle. The shirtless one was shocked by the sheer one. Ahh... well. It was amusing. They were all really sweet and helpful to me and I look forward to working with them. It's definitely a new experience.

Dear Jeff Bridges

2011-08-24T10:56:00.001-07:00

Jeff, I am listening to you singing some country music on AOL music sessions (http://music.aol.com/sessions/jeff-bridges-what-a-little-bit-of-love-can-do-sessions/?ncid=webmail13) and I just had to write you a little shout out. Thank you for putting your heart and humor into your work and life. I love that you laughed when you mention how you will have your granddaughter call you "Dude-pa"... that is one step up from what I call my gramps, "G-pa." You ARE the "dude." I am so glad that I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!! HA! I had to watch the movie with the volume way down low because of all the cussing. I would buy a clean version of it, but I think there would be almost nothing left! Do you know, after I watched The Big Lebowski, I went and bought a sweater like yours. Actually, I bought two. I found them on ebay. One was actually a nice sweater with a great design. The other one came free with the first one. It has a giant deer on the back- I figure it will be perfect for and "ugly christmas sweater party" or something silly like that. How did you wear that sweater through that whole movie? It's sooooo scratchy!!!

I'm trying to think of the first movie I saw with you. I think it was "The Mirror Has Two Faces." I watched it with my mom. I thought you were handsome, and I loved Barbara's "perfect bite"... but I was really bummed because she never looked fat to me. So her whole transformation didn't matter. She went from fab to fab. FAKE!!! Anyway, the next one I saw with you was "Blown Away." That film is one of my all time favorites forever and ever. I watched that movie too many times to count. No one understands why. People just look at me with total confusion when I say that's one of my favorites (right up there with Last of the Mohicans.) There are so many parts in there that actually cause me to giggle with glee... I hold my breath and grab the couch white knuckled as I wait for the next thing. Those creepy scenes were you're looking through the house to find a bomb- the suspense as you pull the light switch. Ahhh!!!! The car scene! Your dad blows up!?! Tommy Lee Jones sings U2.. AHHHH!!! I LOVED IT!! I also loved the ending credit song so much. I played that part so many times, the tape died.

Let's see. I saw Seabiscuit, but I wasn't really into horse movies.... of course, Iron Man- but I don't even remember your part. I was too distracted with the awesomeness of Robert Downey Jr., but I'm sure that was the point. I was amused by The Men Who Stare at Goats. You played the best Rooster Cogburn there ever could have been next to John Wayne- it was a very enjoyable dark remake of True Grit. Then I watched TRON Legacy and then I had to watch it again and again and again. I don't like to rewatch movies... only my favorites. You actually made it on my "favorites list" twice- maybe three times if I count Big Lebowski- but that's not official yet. Lastly, I saw Crazy Heart recently. I had that netflix disc on my desk from March to August. I just didn't have a lot of time and if I did, I didn't feel like watching it. I finally popped it in, and was totally blown away (do you like my pun? ha ha). I loved your singing so much, I bought the soundtrack. I'm surprised how much I liked that one- because I'm not a big country fan. It was good enough that I went and looked up all those old country singers on wikipedia and now I'm a whole lot smarter for it. I'm loving your music and it's making my morning. Thanks! Oh, and I also have to mention that I admire you as an actor because you seem professional and "normal" in the sense that you don't make a big deal out of yourself. You were also never afraid to let your hair flow. Go get em, Dude-pa!

Thanks for the entertainment, the music, keeping things interesting.

A fellow Crazy Heart,

Jill

Bears Bears Bears

2011-08-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!!!

Bears are neat. That's all there is to it.

What kind of a creature is a bear? They are stranger than you imagine. Their noses are longer, their eyes smaller, their body stranger than I expect. Every time I look at a picture of one, it is far different than what I THOUGHT it would look like. I could never place them before, but after seeing a National Geographic article with lots of bear pictures-(in trees eating berries), I'm guessing they are sloth related. They have similar giant claws and structure. I have also heard "pig" before, but that is still hard for me to see. Pigs are hooved. What is a pig? Well, I guess that is a thought for another day. I'm just astounded by the created realm and all the neat things God put in it for us to marvel at. Enjoy some bears with me!

UPDATE!!!!!!

After posting this, I sat at my desk, looking at a little figure of Smokey Bear that I purchased in Klamath, CA earlier this summer. I wanted to buy all the Smokey merchandise I could find- because when I was a little kid, I had a big crush on that bear. He was so wonderful and honest. He gave me responsibility and trusted me to do what was right. He was strong and would save me from fire. Oh, what a bear! But then, as I went to find a good picture of Smokey, I realized that maybe I can't VISUALIZE a good bear with my eyes closed COULD be because I picture the cartoon version instead of the real thing.... hmmm... just remember... only YOU can prevent forest fires!

On The Precipice:::

2011-08-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow! Well, really later today... since it's 1am. I was going to write about my painting class, but I guess it will have to wait. I should have taken pictures of my progress every week, but I'm pretty sure this one will still have a LOT of improvements left to do. Each week I want to rip my paper up- I get so frustrated with it and see all the things I'm NOT doing well. But by the time I had a week for the frustration to wear off, I'm ready to go back. Tonight I found painting to be stress-relieving for the first time. It's usually stressFUL. Instead of freaking out about what to pack for my trip, I took a few hours to dabble with water and color... and it was really enjoyable. I think I'm going to like the final results that come in a few more weeks. My classmates gave me hope- everyone says the first one is really rough. Sounds normal. I think I can hack it.

Reflectons: Daniel Day-Lewis, Part 1

2011-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

While I'm reviewing movies, I can't stop without mentioning some of Daniel Day-Lewis's

movies. He's always been one of my favorite actors. I think I watched Last of the Mohicans 500 times. For a long time I didn't try his other films because I thought they were too adult for me... I guess I'm a grown up now, so I decided it was time to become a Day-Lewis connoisseur. To be honest, it was Gangs of New York that pushed me into watching everything he ever made. Have you seen that man's crazy moustache?

Did you know there are fan groups dedicated to his moustache alone? I am now in that fan group. The man is amazing. I would read a book about him if it ever comes out. The brilliant thing is that he seems so private, his bio will probably always be a thing of legend. I read his wikipedia page in full and then decided to follow all his pages on facebook. There are so many stories about him online since he's such an intense method actor. (My personal favorite poke at him is the tumblr page dedicated to Day-Lewisisms- so much funnier than the Chuck Norrisisms that kept us amused a couple years ago.) He gives me a little bit of hope in his craziness.... the fact that he would learn to butcher meat in order to play the Butcher....

that he would learn to shoot and skin animals and basically BECOME Natty Bumppo (yes, I know the film was COMPLETELY untrue to the book, but really, who cares? In this case, and maybe the only case in my experience, the book loses and I cheer loudly)... that he would train like a boxer to play the boxer.... yeaaahhhh..... I think that's neat. Who knows if these tales are true of him, but- wikipedia isn't always wrong, right? There are so many things I want to learn how to do and I'm working towards that. He inspires me because he is dedicated and disciplined and because he is actually GOOD at what he does. I don't want to be an actor, but I do want to vigorously apply myself to my chosen fields. I want to excel. Who doesn't? I guess we can't all go on vacation in Florence for a couple years and learn how to be a cobbler and live in anonymity... or can I? I am well past my adolescence- when these things get cooked up in our heads-- but I am not past dreaming and pursuing my dreams.

This brings me to my thoughts concerning his films in the order in which I viewed them thus far:

1. Last of the Mohicans: one of my "all time favorite" films. I unabashedly love everything about it, especially the music, especially the first 5 minutes of deer hunting in hair-flying slow-mo, especially all the shooting and fast running. Yes, there is romance, but it doesn't all end up happy, and for some reason I like that a lot. DD-L, you made me wish I was adopted into a running, shooting, tracking, smarty pants Indian family in the same way I wished I had red hair like Anne of Green Gables.

2. Gangs of New York: I remember when I first saw the trailer- I got chills watching the characters parade around in their tall hats. Cameron Diaz and at that time, Leonardo DiCaprio, were two of my least favorite actors.... but it didn't matter, it was a gloriously costumed extravaganza with Natty Bumppo. It took me 9 years to finally see it and I can't help but think of it as a masterpiece. I don't recommend this movie to you... I don't want to watch it with you... but I want to frame shots of it all over my house. Maybe in my future kitchen- beside a painting of a pig that wears a top hat. I also want to read the book which inspired the film- what a fascinating history lesson. Herbert Ashbury also wrote about other cities, including my beloved San Francisco... I can't wait.

3. The Ballad of Jack and Rose: This one had many disturbing themes. I "enjoyed" watching it because I think it did a great job of dealing with those taboo items that we don't really dwell on much more than briefly during a history or ethics lecture. It's the kind of story they make kids read in high school. Not really surprising since Rebecca Miller, DD-L's wife, daughter of Arthur Miller, was the director. What must that lady's life be like? She was the DAUGHTER of Arthur Miller- the guy who wrote the Crucible. Man, did I have some serious issues with that story when I was in 11th grade. It all makes sense. She must have been exposed to so many dysfunctional ideas growing up- and she tried to twist it all into something beautiful. I don't know that she was glorifying the issues or just pointing them out. It's hard to tell-- but it was such a tragedy, such a waste of beauty. Thinking back to how horrified Jack was by what his daughter had become, how devastated he was by the things he failed her in, and by his apology to Rose at his death, maybe it wasn't a glorification of dysfunction

after all. It was just a sad story. I never want to watch another of her films. This one may be very "TRUE" but it does not add to the beauty.

The only thing I actually loved..... was the house they lived in, the free greenery, and his amazing tattoo.

4. A Room With A View: Ookkkk. I need to take a moment and mentally gather myself after seeing DD-L's character... WHOA. I love that he played such a horribly wimpy, dispassionate, pathetic excuse for a MAN. I found this picture that describes him as "upper class twit." That's pretty accurate. I found the "bathing in the creek" scene to be incredibly disturbing. Viewer Discretion Advised. How completely unnecessary was that 10 minute run around the creek?!? I know it was making a brief point that George was better suited to the family than Cecil, but.... that was ridiculous. And WHY did the priest have to get in on it as well? Apart from that, their tour in Italy vividly reminds me of some of my European adventures, and I love Helena Bonham Carter's amazing crazy hair.

5. The Boxer: Most surprising to me was how much I liked this movie. It wasn't really the story or the characters.... apart from contrasting DDL's wimpy Cecil with manly boxer Danny Boy... I just loved the lighting. I love the blue. I actually took a bunch of screen captures because I want to paint them. The colors. The intensity. The dedication to do what is right (apart from the adulterous relationship between the main characters. I really feel Maggie's pain, but.... that doesn't make it right. A little oxymoron there.) So, I think I will choose to paint these scenes in the future. They're beautiful. And I also want to learn how to jump rope like DD-L. I hated it in high school, but I think if I had seen clips of this guy jumping rope, it would have all made sense to me. I would have picked up my rope and commanded it to obey me- instead of awkwardly lumbering over the rope, giving pathetic hops here and there only to be tangled and defeated. No. I can learn to jump rope.

6. My Left Foot: Can you handle this? I could write a long essay about this film. DD-L did a killer job showing the world Christy Brown. Irish Brown was born with cerebral palsy and his parents didn't realize how brilliant he was until he was a teenager. He went on to learn to paint and write a number of novels and volumes of poetry. DD-Lhad to contort his body and play a very troubled character. This movie was so uplifting and so hopeful-I was in tears a few times for the poor guy who had to battle his prison of a body and who finally found love and an outlet- writing and painting with his left foot. This was such a striking story, (it reminded me of a book that formed a heart of compassion in me during my early years- Bright Valley of Love), I had to read all about Christy Brown afterwards. It turns out, he was a really manipulative man. That definitely came through in the movie, but when I found out the extent of it- that he had an affair with a married woman BEFORE he met the lady portrayed at the end of the story, I was disgusted. He really was such a terrible guy. Turns out he was the heartbroken AND the heartbreaker. Sadness. He died at 49 with an amazing life story, a mediocre artistic ability that he could have improved. Wikipedia says he choked on his meat and that perhaps his wife didn't bother trying to save him. I was so sad when I read about this man who really needed the Lord. Now I want to read Bright Valley of Love again for a more edifying understanding of this theme.

So, that is all for now. There's still a number of films to see. I can't wait for There Will Be Blood. Daniel Day-Lewis has effectively worked his way to being an inspirational person in my life- despite the sadness of some of his films. I can't really blame him for taking any of the roles he has.... sometimes stories just need to be told. He's an amazing story teller. I am listening.

Reflections: Captain America

2011-07-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

To follow up my morning of shooting, my mom and I went to see Captain America. We had to pay for the 3D version which was silly- don't bother paying the extra bucks. After waiting in line at the concession stand for what seemed like an eternity and making friends with the man behind me, I finally got a cup of tea and some Junior Mints with which to enjoy the film. I have to admit, I really liked it. I'm such a sucker for these big action movies. I can't get enough of Iron Man or Tron. I even liked Thor- ludicrously corny as it was. The only ones I'm NOT thrilled about are Spiderman. Did you know that they made ANOTHER Spidey film?!?! I will be going to see the new Planet of the Apes before I see Spidey #214. These super hero things appeal to me... I'm reminded of Heroes- I loved that show. I cried when it ended. Haha. Sad.

Back to Capt. America. I loved the costumes, the glowing blue lights, the way he can outrun a car and outswim a submarine. Now that's entertainment. I liked the girl in this one too- she was pretty but not over the top. I enjoy a story like this so much more when they don't ooze sex. Tron was delightful in that way as well. There was a pretty girl, a handsome guy, and interesting story, and barely a hint of romance. I just find it a lot easier to identify with the characters that way. What does that say about me? Haha. Oh well. I recommend this one.... I would actually watch it again which is a rare thing indeed. Captain America is patriotic, courageous, selfless, and true. Sounds good to me.

Reflections On My Rifle

2011-07-31T13:57:00.001-07:00

Today my dad took me shooting. I got this really nice Ruger 10/22. for my birthday since one of my goals was to learn to hunt and fish by the time I turned 30. Well, today we got up early and made our way to the local shooting range. I wasn't sure what to expect. I think I've participated in target practice when I was a little kid... or on Big Buck Hunter Pro (yeah!!!)... but certainly not since I could actually remember it and not with my OWN gun. I learned some things:

It's annoying to be where tons of people are shooting and where you have to follow all their safety rules. I would prefer to be off in the wilderness learning or maybe at some indoor shooting range where they are sectioned off better. I hate having someone's shells flying into my face.
It WAS neat to see lots of other weapons. I got to fire a handgun and another rifle as well. I enjoyed being able to hit targets with each gun I tried out.
If I go there again, I've got to get maybe 3 targets to put at different ranges so I can work on accuracy without waiting for them to clear the field.
I like my gun. It's a nice, reliable little thing. One of my magazines got kinda sticky, so I'll have to work that out. It shoots almost as lightly as a pop gun- less "backfire" or whatever you call it than even a paintball gun.
I hit my target pretty well. Mostly in the lower right corner, but I WAS hitting my target. I think I only got one bullseye..I need to work that out with my scope.
It was nice to play with guns with my family members. Kind of memorable. Even Grampa and Great Aunt Gloria came. I will probably do this again.

Someday I'd like to try a moving target.... I know it's probably sad to those who might read this or who don't understand, but I'd like to try to get a squirrel or a bird or something. I used to be one of those who thought that was just HORRIBLE!!! But not really anymore... now I get why people do it. And I am still seeing this as a means to helping me learn taxidermy.

So we'll see how it goes. And now I'm thoroughly wiped out and gonna take a sweet nap!!

New Ideas

2011-07-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

SUMMER. I love it. And this is a good one. For me it includes a two week road trip to Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Washington, and San Francisco, learning German, meeting my nephew, taking watercolor classes, and going to Hawaii next week! I've also been reading and watching movies and going to concerts. I come away from these big events and I realize that I actually feel like writing again. I used to have this hunger to express my thoughts on paper... and it really went away through my college experience. A year and a half after finishing college, I was really disappointed that the hunger hadn't returned. Maybe I just needed some down time to decompress my thoughts and let them wander again. Time to think and mull. I am prone to introspection, but when things are so intensely busy I lose the ability to process and plan. Don't you know what I mean?

There are few weeks left before my return to work. I'm going to try to capture some of my summer experiences in blog form. So far: Grand Canyon, Roadtrips, Seattle, San Francisco, Dolly Parton, Shane, Future of Forestry, Daniel Day-Lewis.

I better get busy. I've got so many thoughts starting to spill out. I don't want to forget.

Making it Through

2011-05-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

As the end of the school year draws nigh, I am feeling introspective and reminiscent. This year has been ROUGH. Here I am at 29 years old. I was 22 when I started working at Grace. Time flies. Over these painful months since I last wrote in October:

I have ruled out 3 relationships that kept me wondering about their potential for at least 5 years. These relationships are gone and it's really freeing.
I finally taught 2nd grade and realized how vital the summer months are for preparing for the upcoming year. I will actually be able to plan ahead this summer so I can have a better go at it next time.
I have been through one of the worst trials of my life at my workplace/church... I am still seeing it come to some sort of resolution. I learned a lot through this painful time and see how God faithfully purifies His church.
I had the flu twice. It was so awful. But it was only twice... so glad that was it. Next year: I will wear a mask to school when the kids get all snotty sick!
I discovered my love for taxidermy and the possibility of a future career in case teaching doesn't stick.
I grew my hair out and will keep it growing... although I do think of cutting it all the time.
I am finally joining a fellowship group and going as often as possible to a study with a really neat group of girls.

I don't have a lot to say. I just wanted to think back on what I've been through. I'm looking forward to the future- forward to changes and growth and peace. I am taking a break this summer... not working, going on a roadtrip to several national parks and up to washington/canada area and San Francisco. My sister will be here for a month and I am excited to meet my nephew. I'll be able to read and think and write and prepare for next year.... and then, hopefully, I'll be able to meet more of my goals in the near future. There is definitely a sense of hopefulness in my heart. I am thankful.

Life Thoughts

2010-10-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've been living like a stressed-out wild woman since March... with the exception of 3 weeks in the summer when I went on a 7 day cruise to Mexico and housesat for some friends for 2 weeks. Yeah. Those were good times. But then I started to prepare for teaching 2nd grade... and the insanity began. I really thought things would be different when I was done with college, but it's just gotten more difficult and more stressful. I've been having issues with hair loss and weight gain and even mild depression at times. So I've been wanting to find ways to improve my quality of life while things ARE hard and hectic.... and my searching led me to this and it makes me laugh now:

Video of a commune in Monterey, Ca : http://www.nps.gov/aboutus/workwithus.htm

and it totally appealed to me. Really? A commune? A purposeful community? It actually sounds so great. I like the idea. I would love to teach (provide a quality education for) a small group of children in a community like that. Be their purposeful, long-term tutor... and also have a life. Wow, that would be so cool!

In the end, my thoughts go back to the Oaks Christian Camp-- where I have wanted to work for a few summers now. Maybe I can make it a summer commune/kid ministry thing. I am going to pray about the possibilities.

Just remember to have a billion stones of respect for your teachers. You have no idea how hard it is to care for so many kids all day long, all year long. Wow... I guess you can't really know unless you were a teacher. Give them a hug. Offer to grade some papers... most of all, teach your kids how to be respectful and how to obey....

Ultimately, I decided to stop worrying about my life... I know that God will take care of me. I know things will work out alright. Maybe my life will be so different than I expect from this point right now-- it's been SO DIFFERENT than I expected from when I was a kid or even 10 years ago.. or even 5 years ago.

Here we go, plodding forward through the drought and soul-breaking work: "It is the nature of the strong heart, that like the palm tree it strives ever upwards when it is most burdened." - Sir Philip Sidney

To persevere, I remember Isaiah 61:3

"To grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."

Psalm 1

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.

Chickens!!

2010-03-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

I've begun the "Great Catching Up." I would compare it to the "Great Migration" that Littlefoot makes to get to the Great Valley in the The Land Before Time. Why is that on my mind? Maybe because tonight I went to see my old friend, Tiana, and she has a ton of animals.

I have not been able to hang out with her in over a year. She moved back from Illinois and I was really sad that we couldn't get together because of my school work. Well, today was the first attempt at social-ness in a long time... and I went to see her and found that she is the mother to a whole flock of chickens, 2 geese, 3 cats, 1 dog, 2 fish, a flock of quail and various other pets, plants, and a grandma! :)

It was so good to catch up with her! Oh, friends, how I have missed you!

And she said she would give me a call when her chicks hatch- in about 3 weeks. I've never held a baby chicken before. The big ones are a little creepy. She had crazy chickens with big fluffy heads, and chickens with "fur" instead of feathers, and small chickens, and chickens that lay green eggs... ohhh.. chickens, where have you been all my life?!

New Seasons: 10 Goals

2010-03-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am done.

I finished my B.A. after 5 years of torture. There were good times, sure, but I have concluded that if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't do it again. Optimistically, I have no regrets. I had to do it and I did.... but I'm glad it is done. I have no intention of pursuing my teaching credential... but I'm excited to keep learning. I feel like I just gave birth after 5 years of labor. Thankfully this "baby" came with honors.... and I can't wait to get my diploma.

Some of my goals for this new phase of life:

1. Read tons of books that I wished I could have spent time on when I was buried deep in text books. Maybe I'll blog about it since I don't have to write papers anymore.

2. Organize and purge my stuff and wardrobe. I didn't bother to think about it while I was so busy. After I clean stuff out, then I want to make my room a prettier place to live. Eventually I would like to focus on moving so I'd like to "get it together."

3. Make stuff!!!! I have soooo many projects I want to do. I'm going to start painting again. I want to learn to quilt and sew better and take a cake frosting class. I want to make clothes for my Blythe doll and sell them on Etsy. I might even look up a sewing class right now! Yea!

4. Learn how to cook. You know, I can follow any recipe, but there is just something more to cooking than that... experimentation....

5. Lead a more disciplined and chaos-free life. I need to exercise every day. I've gained a lot of weight while sitting around writing papers and reading books. It's time to work that out. I'm feeling some dread but I'm also excited to see the changes happen-- and hopefully they will be life changes that I never have to relearn again.

6. Budget and Travel. I've been working out a budget to help me get out of debt. I have school loans to pay back and also personal debt that I have never been able to shed... but I have some good plans to make big changes fast. Part of my budgeting is for travel. My sister lives in South Africa... and she is having a baby this summer. I can't make it out this year, but I want to find a way to get out there sooner than later. I have finally realized how the teacher life works. It's hard. You go to work and then when you go home exhausted and your feet hurt and your brain hurts, then you work some more. You make lessons and grade papers and come up with fun things to do and better ways to teach. It's great, but before I realize it, I've spent all my waking hours WORKING. I've come to accept it... but then I really look forward to days and weeks off. Thankfully, I won't be cramming papers and books into those vacations anymore. I'm going to ENJOY them. I'm going to make the most.

Places to go: France to see the Anthony's, Africa to see my sister, Hawaii to see the Costales family, Colorado to see the Dryden's, Kentucky to see Liz & Kristil, and South America just because I want to.

7. Be a better teacher. I've had to squeeze all my teacher things around my classes, but no more! Now I can focus on one thing and not have my heart all divided up. The possibilities are endless!!

8. Catch up with friends. TOO many relationships on hold. I can't wait to go around and catch up with all the people I've said, "I can't" to for too long. =)

9. Ministry. I haven't been in a fellowship group at my church for about 3 years. Thankfully, I've got a huge support group of friends and family, but I want to be more purposeful about where I choose to serve the Lord. The first thing is I need to figure out where and how the Lord wants me to serve Him....

10. Most importantly, I want to devote myself to the Word. I have earnestly wanted to read the Bible every day and all the way through, plus do focus studies... but my efforts at this have been pitiful to say the least while I've had so much homework.

It is time!

I'm going to write about it as I go. I always loved to write, but I think my creative energy was all used up in papers... so I've been silent for a long time. Things are going to get interesting now. :)

Ok, well the first thing for today:

Find a sewing class.

Exercise.

Grade 300 papers.

Visit Grampa and bring him an icecream cake.

Go to bed early so I can make it to 1st service at church tomorrow.

Have a nice Saturday!!

Oh, and I want to show you the little "reward" I bought for myself. She is "First Prom Petite Blythe." She's actually--- Graduation Blythe. Something lost in translation? I can't wait till she comes!!

Yosemite & San Francisco

2009-07-29T21:28:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving tomorrow for Yosemite & San Francisco. I will see Mt. Tam again. I'm going to bring my camera and a bag of drawing supplies. I have a couple books and a sack of lanyards. I might choose some things to work on, but I also might sit... and sit... and think...

I'm bringing my journal.

I'm leaving everything else.

The phone is only for emergencies.

All of this makes me very happy.

Listening to Tracy Chapman..

& Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable"

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget."

Soon I'll be so far away.

One day at a time.

Not Even A Hint

2009-06-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

It's so busy right now. So much is crazy. So many books to read. Want to get back into exercising. Can't wait another month. Don't care anymore if I don't fix it in the meantime. The end does not justify the means.

So I'm picking up "Not Even A Hint" by Joshua Harris again. I need more discipline in every area of my life. I need to stay on track... and fill my mind with the Spirit even when it seems impossibly busy and ridiculously full of required but futile things like reading a plethora of books and doing physics. But, alas, I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I want to finish well... physically, in my heart, and with school.

Here we go.

3 more weeks.

Cupcakes and Speeches

2009-04-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"

When I'm Done with School...

2009-03-01T22:08:00.001-08:00

There's a lot of things on my mind. Things I'd like to do but can't until I'm finished writing papers and reading books that are required for my BA in Liberal Studies. I thought I'd get some of these things off my mind if I make a list of what I'd LIKE to do when I finally get to do what I want/ spend money on something besides text books. I just signed my Senior Contract, so hopefully I'll finish this summer.

So what are these things I'm hoping to do?

Off the top of my yearning heart:

1. I want to paint with my grampa. He has been giving me art supplies for a couple years now and I've done a lousy job of using them. I want to indulge the uber-goober inside and watch Bob Ross with grampa and paint my heart out like Mark Rothko. I want to go to museums all over the place and look at art.

2. I want to draw trees and finally get myself a tree tattoo. I've

been talking about it for years and it's about time. I've been a little

afraid of the pain and the distraction the pain can be to my studies.... so now I wont have any excuses!

3. I want to make things! I love quilting and knitting and crafty nerdy things.

So now I want to sell things on ETSY. What things? Too many to think of. Right now I want

to learn how to crochet baby booties and make

amigurumi animals. I like little projects because I will actually finish them.

4. I have PILES and PILES of books

that are begging to be read!!!!

I am practically drooling as I look at my bookshelf.

5. I want to go on trips- like back to Mount Tamalpais

near San Francisco...

And while I'm hiking, exploring, conquering the world,

I want to work on my photography skills.

I guess that's it for now.

There's more- for sure...

but that's a starting place and I have to constantly

give my desires for these things to the Lord because....

I CAN'T do them right now! Peace! Be content!!

In all things... content.

And Jon Foreman's song is really pulling my heart strings right now. He beautifully orchestrates

"Your Love is Strong"- a rendition of the Lord's Prayer... says it all:

"Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

Curds and Whey

2009-02-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

I saw a History Channel program... one of those Modern Marvels.... on CHEESE...

The whole time I was thinking about Little Miss Muffet, because she was eating her curds and whey.. which is basically cheese before the cheese process. I think it must have been awful stuff!

But it was such an interesting program. I could have watched about cheese for hours.

Good Things

2009-02-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Today's little pleasures are:

Irish Breakfast tea (so good! never tried it before!)

Pear & Cottage cheese with cinnamon & nutmeg

Picked up a dandelion on a walk

Jillian Michaels is kicking my b-u-t-t with her 30 day shred video

AND, I am excited about the future & graduating this summer!

I am determined as my little snail study buddy!

A Divine Image

William Blake

Cruelty has a human heart,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror the human form divine,
And secrecy the human dress.
The human dress is forged iron,
The human form a fiery forge,
The human face a furnace seal'd,
The human heart its hungry gorge.

It's True...

2009-02-21T22:54:00.001-08:00

Matthew 5:3-10,

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

God's promises are for those who are humble and contrite and who tremble at His word. This week I was reminded of His great mercy. I was SO TIRED. I was ready to give up. I was full of tears and sorrows and my load was getting to be more than I could bear. And in His kindness, He took loads from me and gave me water and refreshed my soul! Now find myself reflecting on Isaiah 40 and I feel hungry and thirsty for righteousness again.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable......
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

I get to drop my World History class... and it's wiped off my transcripts.... and I get a refund.

WOW.

Tired

2009-02-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

Psalm 145

2009-02-17T00:06:00.001-08:00

I will extol You, my God, O King,
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised,
And His greatness is unsearchable.
One generation shall praise Your works to another,
And shall declare Your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of Your majesty
And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate.
Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts,
And I will tell of Your greatness.
They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness
And will shout joyfully of Your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and merciful;
Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.
The LORD is good to all,
And His mercies are over all His works.
All Your works shall give thanks to You, O LORD,
And Your godly ones shall bless You.
They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom
And talk of Your power;
To make known to the sons of men Your mighty acts
And the glory of the majesty of Your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
And Your dominion endures throughout all generations.
The LORD sustains all who fall
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to You,
And You give them their food in due time.
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways
And kind in all His deeds.
The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them.
The LORD keeps all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever.

Another Day

2009-02-16T21:03:00.000-08:00

“Only one life, ‘twill soon be past.
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”

I'll Fly Away

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

   I'll fly away oh glory
   I'll fly away (in the morning)
   When I die hallelujah by and by
   I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

Later That Night... Halloween Part 2

2008-11-14T20:24:00.001-08:00

I finally got around to editing the pictures I took on Halloween. Each member of my family got the opportunity to sport the red wig that is decidedly "Melissa Style" hair. See for yourself.

Chloe wears it like Veronica Lake. Very chic over one eye. If you listen closely, you can hear her growling at the experience.

Next on the runway is Boo. He, too, was rather upset at having to model red curls. I think he looks most like a creature from Star Wars. Here Chloe also pulls of a nice "catwoman."

Next we have Madi. This is her glamor shot. She finally stopped trying to EAT the wig.

But then she started to fall asleep.... but still, very glamorous.

Every time the doorbell rang with little trick-or-treat people, the dog went crazy. So dad had to hold her by the leg. It was kinda funny.

Speaking of Dad, here he is with the do. I think he looks like Howard Stern. HAHA.

Mom was just too funny. I got so many great pictures, I had to put them together like a photobooth. :) She sure has a great laugh! It doesn't really even look like a wig on her either. This is mom circa 1995.

Ahhh, and the brother, Marky. I think Twisted Sister runs in the family. This time, it's not me, it's him. The second is a rare smile- it lasted a split second, but I caught it!

I tried some monster lighting on myself...

I was bummed to be stuck at home for study's sake, but it turned out to be fun anyway. :)

Madison/ Halloween Part 1

2008-11-14T15:51:00.000-08:00

Early on Halloween evening, Madi and I went up the mountain to see the sunset. It was so beautiful! And I enjoyed spending some peaceful time with this happy puppy.

She was running like a lark through the bushes.

The skies have been so fanstastically lit lately. I keep trying to capture them, but I think I need to take some photography lessons to get it right.

Too Cute

2008-11-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today I let the kids write letters to their parents. One little boy wrote this: "Dear mom. This is me and you mom. I love you. love Gabriel." He chose this picture to go with it:

Grrr

2008-11-06T11:33:00.001-08:00

This would make for an interesting Sea World show.

America's Soul

2008-11-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

The election isn't over yet, but I already hear people freaking out about our rights being taken away... our radio shows censored, our guns banned, our churches closed and our pastors imprisoned....

Quite honestly, I think it is rubbish to talk like that. Maybe that day will come to America, but I don't think it's tomorrow- no matter who wins the election. :/ I am disappointed that America decided to turn its brain off at this time. We can't afford it.

In the end, I can't be a nay-sayer... I trust that God has it all planned out. He is always working for His glory and our good. Who can complain with that?

Is this what happens to you when you finish college?

2008-11-02T19:19:00.001-08:00

I'm scared.

Looks like Rain

2008-10-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

I'm trying not to be sad that I'm not doing fun things for halloween and fall times because of ginormous homework load... so I found this eyeball. It's rad. The guy who does this is rad too. He made his own piano music for his site. It's very "Amelie" sounding. http://www.christophehuet.com/

But, really, I'm doing something else that is very good, I'm making outlines of John and Roman and writing my own book of reports on Bible commentaries. I've never read John this in-depth before. Intense. I can't get over the fact that Jesus was God who set His tent up in the form of human flesh to dwell among us. God- who made the clouds I saw today, who makes it rain, who designed our eyeballs... God dwelt among us... and that's just the beginning of the story...

Melissa's Head

2008-10-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

Melissa has been gone long enough for me to miss her now... and so I'm thinking about resurrecting her head for more photo opportunities. I got an auburn wig for a costume and it makes me look like my sister. All the kids in my class laughed and said, "hey! it's your sister!" My dad said "Ew!" and mom keeps asking if she can try it on again. Oh, we are a bunch of nuts.

Sunset Like Poetry

2008-10-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

My little pink Lomofisheye camera does well with sunsets.

Constantly coming to mind are the words of poets, and today Pablo Neruda rings in the night:

"We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand..."

From Clenched Soul

Sticky Butt

2008-10-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

This morning I tried really hard to make it to the early church service. Mom and I were working hard to get out the door on time. Well, somehow I managed to *unknowingly* drop a massive goop ball from my cinnamon sticky bun onto the clothes that I intended to wear to church today. You guessed it. It got all over me before I realized it, even on my rear end. Let's just say that my clothes were pasted to my skin. Everything had a touch of the tar, so I had to do laundry. After that, I was a mess and did not recover on time to make it to church early. For some reason I was physically and mentally incapacitated by my condition of sticky butt- even after I got it all off. I cut my finger, fought with the blemish on my face, and changed my clothes 5 times. Gross. Hopefully next week I'll make it to Gracelife. :)

In other news, I just bought a new camera. I dropped my old one in Kentucky this summer and the cost of repairing it was more than it was worth. So I got a new one for mucho discounto online and I'm looking forward to posting some pics of future zoo trips. Looking forward to pictures of the Evil-k-nevil monkeys and the baby crocs.

2008-10-02T23:21:00.001-07:00

PING!

The Fall

2008-09-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

My yearning for Fall has me watching the Tarsem film, The Fall. It's so colorful and beautiful. Favorite parts: watch for the teeth and the swimming elephant.

Wanderlust: a desire to travel, to understand one's very existence.

Nostalgia: comes from the Greek words nostros, meaning return home + algos, meaning pain.

"Googly, googly, googly."

Psalms in Mind

2008-09-18T00:02:00.001-07:00

I've been getting this feeling that comes with the Fall... I've never known what the nostalgia is all about, since I've had this feeling every year since I was 5, but I like it. It's as though I'm walking through a scene from "To Kill a Mockingbird"and I'm Scout, getting excited about my giant Ham costume and playing with Boo and Dill. In some ways, this proves I'm a total American, but in others, I'm just loving the change in the air and taking it all in. I love wearing sweaters and scarves. I love to breathe like a dragon and see my air leaving my mouth. I love it when the fog rolls in.

On another note, I've been contemplating Psalm 37 and loving God's sovereignty in the midst of trials- these days they are not mine, but others. Remembering how God paints on a canvas that's bigger than the universe surely adds to faith. My pilgrim's progress went through all sorts this last year, but He has helped me sort it out and I am back on track. Praise Him!

Stuff

2008-06-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Yay! I'm writing my own blog now.