Profound Thoughts In Recovery

scars are proof of healing

live your life to the glory of God by living it fully

it is always worth the effort. We have so much more to offer in His service when we keep expanding. He gave us the capacity! Such a shame to waste it.

As we get to know ourselves, we know Him better because He made us. My body and mind are amazing because HE is amazing!

there is healing in the celebration of dance

Graceful motion soothes the soul

do not tell me that the good isjust around the corner. in fact, the good might be right here and now, including all the suffering.

I asked God to let me know of Christ's sufferings at 33. He gave me such thorns- thorns that cause me such anguish. I have a small taste and I know He holds me with such expansive arms of grace.

Happiness vs. Joy::::: Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy is found in Christ. I'm not happy, but I have joy.... and no one can say otherwise.

People who not supportive need to be removed immediately.

Rebuke

Tonight I went to visit a new Bible study through my new church. I've been attending a really small church for the last two years and after a series of path-altering events in Kauai, I decided to find a bigger body of Christ to be with. 
This event was such a breath of fresh air in my life! I loved being a new person in a new group of strangers... and seeing that even though I don't know any of them, there is a bond that is so strong. We are bound by the Truth. We are bound by Jesus Christ. 
We were studying Titus- and a lot of the people had some really simple observations and even reservations about what the scriptures teach that I was stretched to consider and find answers for. I walked away trying to define "grace" and "mercy"... busting out the old Newsboys... singing "Shine" all the way to my "home" on this dark and lonely island. What a joy to remember the mantra of my youth: 

Shine/ Make 'em wonder what you've got/ Make 'em wish that they were not/ On the outside looking bored...Shine/ Let it shine before all men/ Let'em see good works, and then/ Let 'em glorify the Lord....

I was reminded and encouraged to persevere in a PURPOSEFUL and INTENTIONAL Christian life. There is direction even in the most confounding circumstances. My hope is found in nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. Staying on target. "forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.…"

I can't fix anything in Kauai. I did my best to draw attention to what needs to be fixed and to offer solutions to fix it.... AND to do the work. My two years of labor resulted in someone calling me "fickle." I'm at a loss here.. but here I am for a little bit longer. I'm lifting my chin up and I'm going to grow. I have 10 months to grow here.... 10 months to let God work on me... in Kauai. I want to be more ready for what comes after that.

Lord, help me... and THANK YOU for the breath of fresh air in a land where judgment is clouded by vog.

~Jill

Needtobreathe

Your love is like radiant diamondsBursting inside us we cannot containYour love will surely come find usLike blazing wild fires singing Your nameGod of mercy sweet love of mineI have surrendered to Your designMay this offering stretch across the skiesAnd these Hallelujahs be multiplied

I came to California this week on a ticket bought by some really kind friends. I wanted to spend some time with my grampa and catch up with people and work out some kinks in my thinking about life and work and happiness. I went to Cambria and saw a bunch of jello-faced elephant seals with my dear friend. I ate pizza and pie and saw a really lame movie with my awesome cousin. I offended my aunt by offering constructive criticism. I gave my mom a lot of hugs- we both need those hugs. I watched fireworks and I went to the dentist. I got my hair cut and I found my old Dolly Parton posters. It's been a full and good week.

Today my mom and I were shopping when we got the message that my grampa was taken to the hospital- maybe he had a stroke. They had to take him to the wrong hospital because there were no beds available at the one his insurance accepts. So my mom and I went. She said, "I don't want to lose my daddy today." I was amazed at the thought that it could happen while I was visiting. It's been on my heart for a while to come "say goodbye" to him- to hold his hand, to tell him I love him in person because I know the end is drawing near. It's drawing near for all of us, but he's spending more and more time in the hospital and declining rapidly in the last few months. I got to spend a really good hour with him last week- holding his hand, talking to him about my life, helping him drink water. And then we are in the hospital watching him suffer with a tube down his throat.

I wanted to be there for my mom. I didn't know what to say- I just know how to interact with doctors and decisions. He was in so much pain- they didn't give him enough medication. I felt so helpless and ended up just holding his hand while they poked him with needles and restrained his wrists and suctioned his lungs. I told him to relax and I tried to reassure him... and he was just so helpless and so miserable. I stood over him and I thought about what I could possibly say- what would I want to hear??? And then I heard his voice in my head, saying what he always says when I was sick or hurting, "I wish it was me and not you." And that's what I told him. My mom prayed for him. We were there for him. You don't leave someone you love alone when they are suffering. You don't abandon them when they have need. No one wants to be alone when they're helpless.

They finally transferred him to the correct hospital, and after dealing with a really arrogant security guard, we were finally allowed to check on him again- it was getting so late. I think we left around 1:30am. The care he received at both these places was so bad, it breaks my heart. He re-developed a bed sore today because they didn't turn him at all. He was cold and they had no blankets. I'm glad we could be there to advocate for him- I left wishing I could be the voice of the voiceless more often. I want to visit more old folks homes and be a foster parent. My mom was amazing, she would say to each new care giver, "This is my dad. I love him. His name is Mel. He's a good man."

I followed my mom home on the freeway. There's a sensation I get on the freeway at night- something I dearly love about Southern California. I roll down the windows, blast the music, and I take in the dark and the street lights, the headlights and the taillights. I love the curves of the freeway and I love knowing there's enough time for me to drive away my emotions- time to let the wind blow away the pain or calm the butterflies. I always want to paint the scenery I love the most- and oddly enough, I always want to paint the black freeway, the approaching dashed lines, the red taillights, the distant headlamps that blind, the slightly orange glow from the street lights, the reflecting orange cones and irritating construction signs. I want to see it every day. The sensation is something that makes me keenly aware of my mortality. I felt that tonight as I watched my mom's van a little ahead and to the left of me. We've been on this mission of love and commitment... flying through the night....I'll probably never see my grampa again... maybe this is the last time I'll see anyone. What if she's next? What if I'm next? What will death be like? What's it hurt like to lose a parent? Needtobreathe came on the radio and this song swallowed me up and the hormones came flying out of my eyes.... "God of mercy sweet love of mine, I have surrendered to Your design"  I heard it and as much as I'd like to wipe away my grampa's pain or trade places with him, that's not the design that God has for us. I went to a graveyard in Cambria and saw all the tiny stories about people's lives- here today and gone tomorrow. People- even the most beautiful, adventurous and remarkable of us-- we're all gonna die. Our stories will all be the same- we lived and we died. It was short. I once was young. And now I'm writhing in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat.

"May this offering stretch across the skies, And these Halleluiahs be multiplied"  Yes.

Where it all ends is in the offering of that short life to the One who designed it all. To the One to whom we sing hallelujah. It's all about Him. Give it all. Hold nothing back. He's watching and designing and soon we can either add to the hallelujah's or wish we had.