My Heart in Kauai

An anonymous poster commented on my the last exclamation of my heart from back in January. Whoever you are, you said you're hoping things will get better for me in Hawaii. So I'm sitting here thinking about it... I just completed my first year in Kauai. I usually write the most when I feel most lost. Writing is a part of my wandering and searching. I haven't written since January because I haven't had time, but I certainly wanted to. It's been so busy here and I got pretty sick for a few months- just too tired to do more than school work (which demands and awful lot!). 

We're a week away from starting a new school year. Things are definitely better than they were this time last year! I have a grasp on what I'm teaching. I have a grasp on the culture and the people in Hawaii. I don't cry every time I hear the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips. I have a church and I found people to love and serve. I have an amazing family at Olelo Christian Academy. I have been able to see my mom and brother and several friends in the last year on Kauai and I was able to go home at Christmas. More people are talking of coming to visit me this next year. I have a nice place to live- after moving 8 times, I think I can finally settle down and accomplish some of my personal goals. Life is so short! I want to focus on a few things to get really good at instead of spreading myself in every direction and accomplishing nothing. 

Hawaii has been good for that. I picked up paddle boarding, lei making, and I took hula classes for 3 months. I'm thinking about joining the canoe club and learning to surf. I want to explore the Hawaiian mountains more... maybe do some more kayaking in the ocean- I got to do an amazing kayak trip to Kalalau earlier this summer. I want to keep painting and....... TAXIDERMY! I love it!

I don't know about ministry. My church wanted me to help with women's ministry, but I find that I'm a little apprehensive about it. We'll see what happens this year. I am still teaching Sunday School. And I kind of attend 2 churches. Anahola Baptist and Kauai Baptist Temple. ABC is where I go on Sunday morning and I love the Ohana there. They are the ones that welcomed me to Kauai and have invested so much in my life here. KBT is where most of my coworkers attend and they have more get togethers and services through the week, so I often visit with them and participate in their gatherings. 

Anyway, I still have a lot of questions about my life and wonderings about what God has brought me here to accomplish. I sometimes get a little blue because I am getting OLD and every Mr. Wonderful I find does not think I am Miss Wonderful. So yeah... I'm just a big goober- emotionally tarrying my way through life and thanking God every day for HIS unfailing love, provision, care, and mercy. 

The things I pray about most are my financial situation and my friend situation. I have tiny, dwindling savings and still school debt to pay off, car problems looming, and no financial stability with my job. I really need to make more money, but all the ideas I have are exhausting. I don't have time to start a business or be a cleaning lady or anything else while I'm teaching full time. My school is making strides to pay us more in the years to come, but of course, that is in the years to come... and I need to pay for things right now. I don't know what will happen- I am trusting the Lord. I may need to just get a different job altogether, but thankfully I don't have to do that right now. It would break my heart to have to stop teaching here/ stop doing what I think God still wants me to do here (although I figure if He does not provide a way, He must not want me to do it any longer!). As for friends, there are not a whole lot of young, single Christians who want to or have time to do things on this island. I spend a lot of time with my boss and I am always hoping and praying more guys will come along to lighten his load of being "the guy" in the group. But also, my roommate just got married and moved off island, my other friends are having a baby.... there aren't really a whole lot of guys or girls. I will often want to go do something at night....especially if it's a beautiful full moon- and I feel like a caged animal when I can't find anyone to go with me. I don't think it's really safe to go a lot of places alone at night- there's a lot of shady people around- drug dealing and stuff. I trust God to provide that too.. He will send friends at the right time/ in His time. Maybe I need to have more loneliness, read more books, struggle uphill longer. There certainly is so much He needs to teach me yet. 

When I go home at night, I greet my bird: Sean Ipia. I have been munching on frozen pineapple while I read or watch a movie. I can never make it through a whole movie- I always fall asleep (I'm becoming my mother!). And then sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm not used to living alone. I'm used to other people dictating what I do and often being frustrated that I have to conform to someone with greater "pull" than me. I haven't even been there a month yet... I haven't figured out how to arrange the furniture... I come home and I sit there with Sean Ipia, I munch pineapple, and I stare.. .and I think... .and I think some more. I think I'm just processing my life and trying to figure out the puzzle pieces... trying to establish what comes next, what the priority should be.... and when I still haven't figured it out- I fall asleep- a restless sleep with crazy roosters crowing all night and keeping me awake. In the morning I stumble around trying to get coffee, eat mangoes and decide whether or not to vacuum my hair off the bathroom floor today or tomorrow. I finally go to work and spend myself there.... then go home and sit and think and munch some more. 

Soon I will not be sitting and thinking... I will be doing doing doing.... and when I do, maybe I will post some pictures. :)

A Lot Can Happen In a Year

I moved to Hawaii July '12. Now it's 2013 and I am starting to pick up the pieces. This song is completely appropriate at this point in my life. Thank you, Riley Armstrong!

I have so much to tell you

A lot can happen in a year

The days ran past like water downhill

Now that the dust has settled 

Now when the quiet knife appears

Dissecting all the distractions and

All the prayers I could have prayed

Are left ringing in my ears

You reach down and pick me up

When circumstances run aground

You stretch me out across the track

You get me, You get me

You're strong enough to take me back

Even my third second chance

You get me, You get me

I want so much to listen to all the lessons in a year

Bruises on a memory

I fumble through three hundred days like dominoes on roller skates

Your promises, by my finger nails, I'm holding on

You already know I want to know

When life plays out much different than

You meet me here

You understand

You get me, You get me

The days run past like water downhill 

Tears, Hormones, and Bono

Dear Bono,

I had a really rough day. I've been crying a lot this week and just when I thought things were getting better, the big one hit. So I cried until I really just had tears falling off my face.... past the point of knowing or caring what great sadness pricked me to begin with. All I could wonder was WHY do we cry? Why do my eyes drip drop when I'm emotional? Wouldn't you like to know, Bono? Here's what I learned: according to a paper by Wendy Nortlund, "When emotions affect us, the nervous system stimulates the cranial nerve, in the brain and this sends signals to the neurotransmitters to the tear glands. Thus, we cry .The largest tear gland, the lacrimal gland produces the tears of emotion and reflex. Many believe that the body, in times of emotional stress, depends on this gland to release excess amounts of chemicals and hormones, returning it to a stable state." I can't stop thinking about the connection between tears and hormones. I love the fact that tears are supposed to calm you down when you get all worked up. This reminds me of Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." When I was in high school, I would sing a song with those lines. I loved that song. I love to know that God cares about my sorrows. He doesn't tell me to shut up or that I'm stupid. He listens and I know that He is working on my behalf.... even if I'm selfish... even if I can't see the forest for the trees. What a good God!

Anyway, so getting back to this whole thing about tears... I know that when I am super PMSy, that I cry a lot. I always wondered why... what exactly are my hormones up to? Well, HELLO, they're pouring out my face. I'm more emotional at certain times of the month. Things that don't normally rock me will CRUSH my world... and I cry a lot. It's nice to know that the tears are there to bring back stability!!! That is so amazing! Bono, aren't you glad you learned all about tears now?

Then on my way home tonight, I was listening to the radio and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" came on. I can't separate that song from my youth. When I touched your shoe at the Elevation tour, it was one of the highlights of my life. Yes it was. And the morning after the concert I woke up singing Sunday Bloody Sunday from my sleep. Oh yes, I did. So tonight I heard you singing your guts out and I got emotional. And all I could think on the freeway drive home was, "Oh, God, please don't let Bono die. I will be so sad when he dies. I don't want to outlive that beautiful voice." The next thing I knew, I was totally sobbing, "I don't want Bono to diiiieeee!!" It was maybe one of the most crazy moments of my life. And tears are flowing off my face. Suddenly I'm reminded that tears are weird. I don't know why they flow. I need to look it up when I get home. I need to write to you, Bono and tell you all about my hope that you outlive me. I hope you go to heaven so I can listen to you forever. I'm so glad I touched your shoe. I'm so glad your music touched my heart. And then I was calmed... oddly calm... huffing and puffing at the stoplight down the street from my house. The music started to repeat, 

"Wipe the tears from your eyes

Wipe your tears away

Oh, wipe your tears away

Oh, wipe your tears away.

I wipe your tears away. 

I wipe your bloodshot eyes."

 So I wiped the tears away. And I laughed a little bit about my outburst over your impending mortality.  I will always love your music. And Sunday Bloody Sunday will always bring hormones pouring out my eyes. Bono, don't die.

And in case you want to listen right now.... 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQZLPV6xcHI