Needtobreathe

Your love is like radiant diamondsBursting inside us we cannot containYour love will surely come find usLike blazing wild fires singing Your nameGod of mercy sweet love of mineI have surrendered to Your designMay this offering stretch across the skiesAnd these Hallelujahs be multiplied

I came to California this week on a ticket bought by some really kind friends. I wanted to spend some time with my grampa and catch up with people and work out some kinks in my thinking about life and work and happiness. I went to Cambria and saw a bunch of jello-faced elephant seals with my dear friend. I ate pizza and pie and saw a really lame movie with my awesome cousin. I offended my aunt by offering constructive criticism. I gave my mom a lot of hugs- we both need those hugs. I watched fireworks and I went to the dentist. I got my hair cut and I found my old Dolly Parton posters. It's been a full and good week.

Today my mom and I were shopping when we got the message that my grampa was taken to the hospital- maybe he had a stroke. They had to take him to the wrong hospital because there were no beds available at the one his insurance accepts. So my mom and I went. She said, "I don't want to lose my daddy today." I was amazed at the thought that it could happen while I was visiting. It's been on my heart for a while to come "say goodbye" to him- to hold his hand, to tell him I love him in person because I know the end is drawing near. It's drawing near for all of us, but he's spending more and more time in the hospital and declining rapidly in the last few months. I got to spend a really good hour with him last week- holding his hand, talking to him about my life, helping him drink water. And then we are in the hospital watching him suffer with a tube down his throat.

I wanted to be there for my mom. I didn't know what to say- I just know how to interact with doctors and decisions. He was in so much pain- they didn't give him enough medication. I felt so helpless and ended up just holding his hand while they poked him with needles and restrained his wrists and suctioned his lungs. I told him to relax and I tried to reassure him... and he was just so helpless and so miserable. I stood over him and I thought about what I could possibly say- what would I want to hear??? And then I heard his voice in my head, saying what he always says when I was sick or hurting, "I wish it was me and not you." And that's what I told him. My mom prayed for him. We were there for him. You don't leave someone you love alone when they are suffering. You don't abandon them when they have need. No one wants to be alone when they're helpless.

They finally transferred him to the correct hospital, and after dealing with a really arrogant security guard, we were finally allowed to check on him again- it was getting so late. I think we left around 1:30am. The care he received at both these places was so bad, it breaks my heart. He re-developed a bed sore today because they didn't turn him at all. He was cold and they had no blankets. I'm glad we could be there to advocate for him- I left wishing I could be the voice of the voiceless more often. I want to visit more old folks homes and be a foster parent. My mom was amazing, she would say to each new care giver, "This is my dad. I love him. His name is Mel. He's a good man."

I followed my mom home on the freeway. There's a sensation I get on the freeway at night- something I dearly love about Southern California. I roll down the windows, blast the music, and I take in the dark and the street lights, the headlights and the taillights. I love the curves of the freeway and I love knowing there's enough time for me to drive away my emotions- time to let the wind blow away the pain or calm the butterflies. I always want to paint the scenery I love the most- and oddly enough, I always want to paint the black freeway, the approaching dashed lines, the red taillights, the distant headlamps that blind, the slightly orange glow from the street lights, the reflecting orange cones and irritating construction signs. I want to see it every day. The sensation is something that makes me keenly aware of my mortality. I felt that tonight as I watched my mom's van a little ahead and to the left of me. We've been on this mission of love and commitment... flying through the night....I'll probably never see my grampa again... maybe this is the last time I'll see anyone. What if she's next? What if I'm next? What will death be like? What's it hurt like to lose a parent? Needtobreathe came on the radio and this song swallowed me up and the hormones came flying out of my eyes.... "God of mercy sweet love of mine, I have surrendered to Your design"  I heard it and as much as I'd like to wipe away my grampa's pain or trade places with him, that's not the design that God has for us. I went to a graveyard in Cambria and saw all the tiny stories about people's lives- here today and gone tomorrow. People- even the most beautiful, adventurous and remarkable of us-- we're all gonna die. Our stories will all be the same- we lived and we died. It was short. I once was young. And now I'm writhing in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat.

"May this offering stretch across the skies, And these Halleluiahs be multiplied"  Yes.

Where it all ends is in the offering of that short life to the One who designed it all. To the One to whom we sing hallelujah. It's all about Him. Give it all. Hold nothing back. He's watching and designing and soon we can either add to the hallelujah's or wish we had.

I Can Do Better

This Sunday, my pastor told a story about Henry Kissinger. The story is summarized here (I found it online here http://theleaderslocker.com/2011/07/08/is-that-the-best-you-can-do/) 

Lord was preparing a speech for Kissinger and delivered a draft.  Kissinger called him in the next day and simply said, “Is that the best you can do?”  Lord said, “I thought so, but I’ll try again.”  He returned a draft to Kissinger, only to be called back again and asked the same question, “Is that the best you can do?”  This back and forth continued several times until Lord, who was exasperated and exhausted, finally said, “Yes!  I know it’s the best I can do.  I can’t possibly improve one more word.”  Kissinger then replied, “In that case, now I will read it.”

I say that because today the Holy Spirit has helped me to see a little more clearly that I can surely live the Christian life better than I have been. I think I always know that, but I rarely see exactly what it is that I can do better WHILE I have the gumption to actually try.

So this is how it went:

My boss and I were talking about someone who I feel has not acted in full repentance. It is hard for me to see how we can be fully restored and "knit together in love" since this particular breach has never been fully reconciled. This has been a very difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around the last few years. Reconciliation seems so necessary to live the Christian life. How do we go about our business being unreconciled?!? I can't fathom. We just act like nothing ever happened and move on- maybe that's how it goes with family or very close loved ones, but with people on the outer levels?

Ok, on another note, I have been really bummed lately. I've been tired and worried... concerned about money and my future and really wrapped up in questions without answers. So many things make me sad. I feel lonely and unthankful and then catch myself and try to dig myself out of my self-pity. It's so dumb. I know it's dumb. But I keep doing it.

So these two things collide... by the power of the Holy Spirit! Ah! God is so good! It's so exciting to see Him work.

I'm thinking and thinking about this unreconciled person and the misery it causes to my heart...and I realize that it is not out of maliciousness that they remain unreconciled- it's out of ignorance. In fact, this person's life can be characterized by sheer ignorance to how a Christian should act. I think it's due to the lack of solid teaching in Kauai in general.

Suddenly, as I'm processing this, I was just really convicted about my own life. What is my role with this person? What can I do? What CAN I do?!? Rise above it... but I want to be more proactive. People need to be taught here. I have a really solid foundation under me. I have a good sense for what is Christlike and what is not because of years of training and being around older godly women. What can I bring to this community? I've been dragging my feet about women's ministry because I'm the youngest, single woman at my church. But how can I love young women in Kauai who are simply ignorant about reasonable Christian choices? It's not like I make the best choices all the time myself, but I have a better track record than what I've witnessed here.

What's next? I know I can do better. I've been whining and complaining- whether verbally or in my heart at least- about my situation here. At the very LEAST I can choose not to be weighed down by things I have no control over. These things shouldn't steal my joy. This is a faith issue on my part and results in worry vs. freedom to TRUST in God and His provision and His direction. I think I need to work on my own role... continue studying and clinging to the WORD more and more so that I can have the right perspective when I see a fellow believer who is not acting in a Christlike way. I want to treat them with compassion and love instead of being shocked or offended. I think that there is definitely a way I could be MORE useful and fruitful. I could help shape someone's understanding of Christ and the Bible instead of being put out by them. Teaching adults is not something I'm good at. I teach little children. I need to learn how to be more useful with the knowledge that I have. More loving with the love that has been shed in my life. More purposeful. More prayerful. More thoughtful. I need to read more. I need to take quiet time more.

Ultimately, I need more discipline. This is always my weakness. Discipline to TRUST and PRAY. Discipline to curb my thoughts. Discipline to do better. I can do better. With God's grace and with the enabling of the Holy Spirit, I can make a difference in my community. I can shine a light.

I keep trying to find a life On my own, apart from You I am the king of excuses I've got one for every selfish thing I do What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a savior  I wanna be in the light As You are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens Oh, Lord be my light and be my salvation Cause all I want is to be in the light  The disease of self runs through my blood It's a cancer fatal to my soul Every attempt on my behalf has failed To bring this sickness under control Tell me, what's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a savior  Honesty becomes me [there's nothing left to lose] The secrets that did run me [in your presence are defused] Pride has no position [and riches have no worth] The fame that once did cover me [has been sentenced to this earth] [there's no other place that I want to be] [no other place that I can see] [a place to be that's just right for me] [someday I'm gonna be in the light] [You are in the light] [that's where I need to be] [that's right where I need to be]

My Heart in Kauai

An anonymous poster commented on my the last exclamation of my heart from back in January. Whoever you are, you said you're hoping things will get better for me in Hawaii. So I'm sitting here thinking about it... I just completed my first year in Kauai. I usually write the most when I feel most lost. Writing is a part of my wandering and searching. I haven't written since January because I haven't had time, but I certainly wanted to. It's been so busy here and I got pretty sick for a few months- just too tired to do more than school work (which demands and awful lot!). 

We're a week away from starting a new school year. Things are definitely better than they were this time last year! I have a grasp on what I'm teaching. I have a grasp on the culture and the people in Hawaii. I don't cry every time I hear the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips. I have a church and I found people to love and serve. I have an amazing family at Olelo Christian Academy. I have been able to see my mom and brother and several friends in the last year on Kauai and I was able to go home at Christmas. More people are talking of coming to visit me this next year. I have a nice place to live- after moving 8 times, I think I can finally settle down and accomplish some of my personal goals. Life is so short! I want to focus on a few things to get really good at instead of spreading myself in every direction and accomplishing nothing. 

Hawaii has been good for that. I picked up paddle boarding, lei making, and I took hula classes for 3 months. I'm thinking about joining the canoe club and learning to surf. I want to explore the Hawaiian mountains more... maybe do some more kayaking in the ocean- I got to do an amazing kayak trip to Kalalau earlier this summer. I want to keep painting and....... TAXIDERMY! I love it!

I don't know about ministry. My church wanted me to help with women's ministry, but I find that I'm a little apprehensive about it. We'll see what happens this year. I am still teaching Sunday School. And I kind of attend 2 churches. Anahola Baptist and Kauai Baptist Temple. ABC is where I go on Sunday morning and I love the Ohana there. They are the ones that welcomed me to Kauai and have invested so much in my life here. KBT is where most of my coworkers attend and they have more get togethers and services through the week, so I often visit with them and participate in their gatherings. 

Anyway, I still have a lot of questions about my life and wonderings about what God has brought me here to accomplish. I sometimes get a little blue because I am getting OLD and every Mr. Wonderful I find does not think I am Miss Wonderful. So yeah... I'm just a big goober- emotionally tarrying my way through life and thanking God every day for HIS unfailing love, provision, care, and mercy. 

The things I pray about most are my financial situation and my friend situation. I have tiny, dwindling savings and still school debt to pay off, car problems looming, and no financial stability with my job. I really need to make more money, but all the ideas I have are exhausting. I don't have time to start a business or be a cleaning lady or anything else while I'm teaching full time. My school is making strides to pay us more in the years to come, but of course, that is in the years to come... and I need to pay for things right now. I don't know what will happen- I am trusting the Lord. I may need to just get a different job altogether, but thankfully I don't have to do that right now. It would break my heart to have to stop teaching here/ stop doing what I think God still wants me to do here (although I figure if He does not provide a way, He must not want me to do it any longer!). As for friends, there are not a whole lot of young, single Christians who want to or have time to do things on this island. I spend a lot of time with my boss and I am always hoping and praying more guys will come along to lighten his load of being "the guy" in the group. But also, my roommate just got married and moved off island, my other friends are having a baby.... there aren't really a whole lot of guys or girls. I will often want to go do something at night....especially if it's a beautiful full moon- and I feel like a caged animal when I can't find anyone to go with me. I don't think it's really safe to go a lot of places alone at night- there's a lot of shady people around- drug dealing and stuff. I trust God to provide that too.. He will send friends at the right time/ in His time. Maybe I need to have more loneliness, read more books, struggle uphill longer. There certainly is so much He needs to teach me yet. 

When I go home at night, I greet my bird: Sean Ipia. I have been munching on frozen pineapple while I read or watch a movie. I can never make it through a whole movie- I always fall asleep (I'm becoming my mother!). And then sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm not used to living alone. I'm used to other people dictating what I do and often being frustrated that I have to conform to someone with greater "pull" than me. I haven't even been there a month yet... I haven't figured out how to arrange the furniture... I come home and I sit there with Sean Ipia, I munch pineapple, and I stare.. .and I think... .and I think some more. I think I'm just processing my life and trying to figure out the puzzle pieces... trying to establish what comes next, what the priority should be.... and when I still haven't figured it out- I fall asleep- a restless sleep with crazy roosters crowing all night and keeping me awake. In the morning I stumble around trying to get coffee, eat mangoes and decide whether or not to vacuum my hair off the bathroom floor today or tomorrow. I finally go to work and spend myself there.... then go home and sit and think and munch some more. 

Soon I will not be sitting and thinking... I will be doing doing doing.... and when I do, maybe I will post some pictures. :)