Making it Through

As the end of the school year draws nigh, I am feeling introspective and reminiscent. This year has been ROUGH. Here I am at 29 years old. I was 22 when I started working at Grace. Time flies. Over these painful months since I last wrote in October:

• I have ruled out 3 relationships that kept me wondering about their potential for at least 5 years. These relationships are gone and it's really freeing.
• I finally taught 2nd grade and realized how vital the summer months are for preparing for the upcoming year. I will actually be able to plan ahead this summer so I can have a better go at it next time.
• I have been through one of the worst trials of my life at my workplace/church... I am still seeing it come to some sort of resolution. I learned a lot through this painful time and see how God faithfully purifies His church.
• I had the flu twice. It was so awful. But it was only twice... so glad that was it. Next year: I will wear a mask to school when the kids get all snotty sick!
• I discovered my love for taxidermy and the possibility of a future career in case teaching doesn't stick.
• I grew my hair out and will keep it growing... although I do think of cutting it all the time.
• I am finally joining a fellowship group and going as often as possible to a study with a really neat group of girls.

I don't have a lot to say. I just wanted to think back on what I've been through. I'm looking forward to the future- forward to changes and growth and peace. I am taking a break this summer... not working, going on a roadtrip to several national parks and up to washington/canada area and San Francisco. My sister will be here for a month and I am excited to meet my nephew. I'll be able to read and think and write and prepare for next year.... and then, hopefully, I'll be able to meet more of my goals in the near future. There is definitely a sense of hopefulness in my heart. I am thankful.

Life Thoughts

I've been living like a stressed-out wild woman since March... with the exception of 3 weeks in the summer when I went on a 7 day cruise to Mexico and housesat for some friends for 2 weeks. Yeah. Those were good times. But then I started to prepare for teaching 2nd grade... and the insanity began. I really thought things would be different when I was done with college, but it's just gotten more difficult and more stressful. I've been having issues with hair loss and weight gain and even mild depression at times. So I've been wanting to find ways to improve my quality of life while things ARE hard and hectic.... and my searching led me to this and it makes me laugh now:

Video of a commune in Monterey, Ca : http://www.nps.gov/aboutus/workwithus.htm

and it totally appealed to me. Really? A commune? A purposeful community? It actually sounds so great. I like the idea. I would love to teach (provide a quality education for) a small group of children in a community like that. Be their purposeful, long-term tutor... and also have a life. Wow, that would be so cool!

In the end, my thoughts go back to the Oaks Christian Camp-- where I have wanted to work for a few summers now. Maybe I can make it a summer commune/kid ministry thing. I am going to pray about the possibilities.

Just remember to have a billion stones of respect for your teachers. You have no idea how hard it is to care for so many kids all day long, all year long. Wow... I guess you can't really know unless you were a teacher. Give them a hug. Offer to grade some papers... most of all, teach your kids how to be respectful and how to obey....

Ultimately, I decided to stop worrying about my life... I know that God will take care of me. I know things will work out alright. Maybe my life will be so different than I expect from this point right now-- it's been SO DIFFERENT than I expected from when I was a kid or even 10 years ago.. or even 5 years ago.

Here we go, plodding forward through the drought and soul-breaking work: "It is the nature of the strong heart, that like the palm tree it strives ever upwards when it is most burdened." - Sir Philip Sidney

To persevere, I remember Isaiah 61:3

"To grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."

Psalm 1

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night.

He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,

Which yields its fruit in its season

And its leaf does not wither;

And in whatever he does he prospers.

The wicked are not so,

But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,

But the way of the wicked will perish.

New Seasons: 10 Goals

I am done.

I finished my B.A. after 5 years of torture. There were good times, sure, but I have concluded that if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't do it again. Optimistically, I have no regrets. I had to do it and I did.... but I'm glad it is done. I have no intention of pursuing my teaching credential... but I'm excited to keep learning. I feel like I just gave birth after 5 years of labor. Thankfully this "baby" came with honors.... and I can't wait to get my diploma.

Some of my goals for this new phase of life:

1. Read tons of books that I wished I could have spent time on when I was buried deep in text books. Maybe I'll blog about it since I don't have to write papers anymore.

2. Organize and purge my stuff and wardrobe. I didn't bother to think about it while I was so busy. After I clean stuff out, then I want to make my room a prettier place to live. Eventually I would like to focus on moving so I'd like to "get it together."

3. Make stuff!!!! I have soooo many projects I want to do. I'm going to start painting again. I want to learn to quilt and sew better and take a cake frosting class. I want to make clothes for my Blythe doll and sell them on Etsy. I might even look up a sewing class right now! Yea!

4. Learn how to cook. You know, I can follow any recipe, but there is just something more to cooking than that... experimentation....

5. Lead a more disciplined and chaos-free life. I need to exercise every day. I've gained a lot of weight while sitting around writing papers and reading books. It's time to work that out. I'm feeling some dread but I'm also excited to see the changes happen-- and hopefully they will be life changes that I never have to relearn again.

6. Budget and Travel. I've been working out a budget to help me get out of debt. I have school loans to pay back and also personal debt that I have never been able to shed... but I have some good plans to make big changes fast. Part of my budgeting is for travel. My sister lives in South Africa... and she is having a baby this summer. I can't make it out this year, but I want to find a way to get out there sooner than later. I have finally realized how the teacher life works. It's hard. You go to work and then when you go home exhausted and your feet hurt and your brain hurts, then you work some more. You make lessons and grade papers and come up with fun things to do and better ways to teach. It's great, but before I realize it, I've spent all my waking hours WORKING. I've come to accept it... but then I really look forward to days and weeks off. Thankfully, I won't be cramming papers and books into those vacations anymore. I'm going to ENJOY them. I'm going to make the most.

Places to go: France to see the Anthony's, Africa to see my sister, Hawaii to see the Costales family, Colorado to see the Dryden's, Kentucky to see Liz & Kristil, and South America just because I want to.

7. Be a better teacher. I've had to squeeze all my teacher things around my classes, but no more! Now I can focus on one thing and not have my heart all divided up. The possibilities are endless!!

8. Catch up with friends. TOO many relationships on hold. I can't wait to go around and catch up with all the people I've said, "I can't" to for too long. =)

9. Ministry. I haven't been in a fellowship group at my church for about 3 years. Thankfully, I've got a huge support group of friends and family, but I want to be more purposeful about where I choose to serve the Lord. The first thing is I need to figure out where and how the Lord wants me to serve Him....

10. Most importantly, I want to devote myself to the Word. I have earnestly wanted to read the Bible every day and all the way through, plus do focus studies... but my efforts at this have been pitiful to say the least while I've had so much homework.

It is time!

I'm going to write about it as I go. I always loved to write, but I think my creative energy was all used up in papers... so I've been silent for a long time. Things are going to get interesting now. :)

Ok, well the first thing for today:

Find a sewing class.

Exercise.

Grade 300 papers.

Visit Grampa and bring him an icecream cake.

Go to bed early so I can make it to 1st service at church tomorrow.

Have a nice Saturday!!

Oh, and I want to show you the little "reward" I bought for myself. She is "First Prom Petite Blythe." She's actually--- Graduation Blythe. Something lost in translation? I can't wait till she comes!!

Yosemite & San Francisco

I'm leaving tomorrow for Yosemite & San Francisco. I will see Mt. Tam again. I'm going to bring my camera and a bag of drawing supplies. I have a couple books and a sack of lanyards. I might choose some things to work on, but I also might sit... and sit... and think...

I'm bringing my journal.

I'm leaving everything else.

The phone is only for emergencies.

All of this makes me very happy.

Listening to Tracy Chapman..

& Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable"

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget."

Soon I'll be so far away.

One day at a time.

Not Even A Hint

It's so busy right now. So much is crazy. So many books to read. Want to get back into exercising. Can't wait another month. Don't care anymore if I don't fix it in the meantime. The end does not justify the means.

So I'm picking up "Not Even A Hint" by Joshua Harris again. I need more discipline in every area of my life. I need to stay on track... and fill my mind with the Spirit even when it seems impossibly busy and ridiculously full of required but futile things like reading a plethora of books and doing physics. But, alas, I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I want to finish well... physically, in my heart, and with school.

Here we go.

3 more weeks.

When I'm Done with School...

There's a lot of things on my mind. Things I'd like to do but can't until I'm finished writing papers and reading books that are required for my BA in Liberal Studies. I thought I'd get some of these things off my mind if I make a list of what I'd LIKE to do when I finally get to do what I want/ spend money on something besides text books. I just signed my Senior Contract, so hopefully I'll finish this summer. 

So what are these things I'm hoping to do? 

Off the top of my yearning heart:

1. I want to paint with my grampa. He has been giving me art supplies for a couple years now and I've done a lousy job of using them. I want to indulge the uber-goober inside and watch Bob Ross with grampa and paint my heart out like Mark Rothko. I want to go to museums all over the place and look at art.

2. I want to draw trees and finally get myself a tree tattoo. I've

 been talking about it for years and it's about time. I've been a little 

afraid of the pain and the distraction the pain can be to my studies.... so now I wont have any excuses!

3. I want to make things! I love quilting and knitting and crafty nerdy things.

 So now I want to sell things on ETSY. What things? Too many to think of. Right now I want 

to learn how to crochet baby booties and make 

amigurumi animals. I like little projects because I will actually finish them.

4. I have PILES and PILES of books 

that are begging to be read!!!! 

I am practically drooling as I look at my bookshelf.

5. I want to go on trips- like back to Mount Tamalpais 

near San Francisco...

And while I'm hiking, exploring, conquering the world, 

I want to work on my photography skills.

I guess that's it for now. 

There's more- for sure...

but that's a starting place and I have to constantly

give my desires for these things to the Lord because.... 

I CAN'T do them right now! Peace! Be content!!

In all things... content.

And Jon Foreman's song is really pulling my heart strings right now. He beautifully orchestrates

"Your Love is Strong"- a rendition of the Lord's Prayer... says it all:

"Heavenly Father 

You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come 
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need 
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive 
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window 
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune 
Or out of place
I look at the meadow 
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl 
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens 
Is now advancing
Invade my heart 
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens 
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself 
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

Curds and Whey

I saw a History Channel program... one of those Modern Marvels.... on CHEESE...

The whole time I was thinking about Little Miss Muffet, because she was eating her curds and whey.. which is basically cheese before the cheese process. I think it must have been awful stuff!

But it was such an interesting program. I could have watched about cheese for hours.

Good Things

Today's little pleasures are: 

Irish Breakfast tea (so good! never tried it before!)

Pear & Cottage cheese with cinnamon & nutmeg

Picked up a dandelion on a walk

Jillian Michaels is kicking my  b-u-t-t with her 30 day shred video

AND, I am excited about the future & graduating this summer!

I am determined as my little snail study buddy!

A Divine Image

William Blake

Cruelty has a human heart,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror the human form divine,
And secrecy the human dress.

The human dress is forged iron,
The human form a fiery forge,
The human face a furnace seal'd,
The human heart its hungry gorge.

It's True...

Matthew 5:3-10,

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  Blessed are gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.  Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

God's promises are for those who are humble and contrite and who tremble at His word. This week I was reminded of His great mercy. I was SO TIRED. I was ready to give up. I was full of tears and sorrows and my load was getting to be more than I could bear. And in His kindness, He took loads from me and gave me water and refreshed my soul! Now find myself reflecting on Isaiah 40 and I feel hungry and thirsty for righteousness again. 

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired 
His understanding is inscrutable......

Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

I get to drop my World History class... and it's wiped off my transcripts.... and I get a refund.

WOW.

Psalm 145

I will extol You, my God, O King,
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised,
And His greatness is unsearchable.
One generation shall praise Your works to another,
And shall declare Your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of Your majesty
And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate.
Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts,
And I will tell of Your greatness.
They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness
And will shout joyfully of Your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and merciful;
Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.
The LORD is good to all,
And His mercies are over all His works.
All Your works shall give thanks to You, O LORD,
And Your godly ones shall bless You.
They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom
And talk of Your power;
To make known to the sons of men Your mighty acts
And the glory of the majesty of Your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
And Your dominion endures throughout all generations.
The LORD sustains all who fall
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to You,
And You give them their food in due time.
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways
And kind in all His deeds.
The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them.
The LORD keeps all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever.

Another Day

“Only one life, ‘twill soon be past.
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”

I'll Fly Away

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

   I'll fly away oh glory
   I'll fly away (in the morning)
   When I die hallelujah by and by
   I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

Later That Night... Halloween Part 2

I finally got around to editing the pictures I took on Halloween. Each member of my family got the opportunity to sport the red wig that is decidedly "Melissa Style" hair. See for yourself.

Chloe wears it like Veronica Lake. Very chic over one eye. If you listen closely, you can hear her growling at the experience.





Next on the runway is Boo. He, too, was rather upset at having to model red curls. I think he looks most like a creature from Star Wars. Here Chloe also pulls of a nice "catwoman."


Next we have Madi. This is her glamor shot. She finally stopped trying to EAT the wig.



But then she started to fall asleep.... but still, very glamorous.



Every time the doorbell rang with little trick-or-treat people, the dog went crazy. So dad had to hold her by the leg. It was kinda funny.


Speaking of Dad, here he is with the do. I think he looks like Howard Stern. HAHA.



Mom was just too funny. I got so many great pictures, I had to put them together like a photobooth. :) She sure has a great laugh! It doesn't really even look like a wig on her either. This is mom circa 1995.


Ahhh, and the brother, Marky. I think Twisted Sister runs in the family. This time, it's not me, it's him. The second is a rare smile- it lasted a split second, but I caught it!

I tried some monster lighting on myself...

I was bummed to be stuck at home for study's sake, but it turned out to be fun anyway. :)

Madison/ Halloween Part 1

Early on Halloween evening, Madi and I went up the mountain to see the sunset. It was so beautiful! And I enjoyed spending some peaceful time with this happy puppy.







She was running like a lark through the bushes.

The skies have been so fanstastically lit lately. I keep trying to capture them, but I think I need to take some photography lessons to get it right.

Too Cute

Today I let the kids write letters to their parents. One little boy wrote this: "Dear mom. This is me and you mom. I love you. love Gabriel." He chose this picture to go with it:

America's Soul

The election isn't over yet, but I already hear people freaking out about our rights being taken away... our radio shows censored, our guns banned, our churches closed and our pastors imprisoned....

Quite honestly, I think it is rubbish to talk like that. Maybe that day will come to America, but I don't think it's tomorrow- no matter who wins the election. :/ I am disappointed that America decided to turn its brain off at this time. We can't afford it.

In the end, I can't be a nay-sayer... I trust that God has it all planned out. He is always working for His glory and our good. Who can complain with that?

Is this what happens to you when you finish college?

I'm scared.

Stuff

Yay! I'm writing my own blog now.