Profound Thoughts In Recovery

scars are proof of healing

live your life to the glory of God by living it fully

it is always worth the effort. We have so much more to offer in His service when we keep expanding. He gave us the capacity! Such a shame to waste it.

As we get to know ourselves, we know Him better because He made us. My body and mind are amazing because HE is amazing!

there is healing in the celebration of dance

Graceful motion soothes the soul

do not tell me that the good isjust around the corner. in fact, the good might be right here and now, including all the suffering.

I asked God to let me know of Christ's sufferings at 33. He gave me such thorns- thorns that cause me such anguish. I have a small taste and I know He holds me with such expansive arms of grace.

Happiness vs. Joy::::: Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy is found in Christ. I'm not happy, but I have joy.... and no one can say otherwise.

People who not supportive need to be removed immediately.

Rebuke

Tonight I went to visit a new Bible study through my new church. I've been attending a really small church for the last two years and after a series of path-altering events in Kauai, I decided to find a bigger body of Christ to be with. 
This event was such a breath of fresh air in my life! I loved being a new person in a new group of strangers... and seeing that even though I don't know any of them, there is a bond that is so strong. We are bound by the Truth. We are bound by Jesus Christ. 
We were studying Titus- and a lot of the people had some really simple observations and even reservations about what the scriptures teach that I was stretched to consider and find answers for. I walked away trying to define "grace" and "mercy"... busting out the old Newsboys... singing "Shine" all the way to my "home" on this dark and lonely island. What a joy to remember the mantra of my youth: 

Shine/ Make 'em wonder what you've got/ Make 'em wish that they were not/ On the outside looking bored...Shine/ Let it shine before all men/ Let'em see good works, and then/ Let 'em glorify the Lord....

I was reminded and encouraged to persevere in a PURPOSEFUL and INTENTIONAL Christian life. There is direction even in the most confounding circumstances. My hope is found in nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. Staying on target. "forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.…"

I can't fix anything in Kauai. I did my best to draw attention to what needs to be fixed and to offer solutions to fix it.... AND to do the work. My two years of labor resulted in someone calling me "fickle." I'm at a loss here.. but here I am for a little bit longer. I'm lifting my chin up and I'm going to grow. I have 10 months to grow here.... 10 months to let God work on me... in Kauai. I want to be more ready for what comes after that.

Lord, help me... and THANK YOU for the breath of fresh air in a land where judgment is clouded by vog.

~Jill

Needtobreathe

Your love is like radiant diamondsBursting inside us we cannot containYour love will surely come find usLike blazing wild fires singing Your nameGod of mercy sweet love of mineI have surrendered to Your designMay this offering stretch across the skiesAnd these Hallelujahs be multiplied

I came to California this week on a ticket bought by some really kind friends. I wanted to spend some time with my grampa and catch up with people and work out some kinks in my thinking about life and work and happiness. I went to Cambria and saw a bunch of jello-faced elephant seals with my dear friend. I ate pizza and pie and saw a really lame movie with my awesome cousin. I offended my aunt by offering constructive criticism. I gave my mom a lot of hugs- we both need those hugs. I watched fireworks and I went to the dentist. I got my hair cut and I found my old Dolly Parton posters. It's been a full and good week.

Today my mom and I were shopping when we got the message that my grampa was taken to the hospital- maybe he had a stroke. They had to take him to the wrong hospital because there were no beds available at the one his insurance accepts. So my mom and I went. She said, "I don't want to lose my daddy today." I was amazed at the thought that it could happen while I was visiting. It's been on my heart for a while to come "say goodbye" to him- to hold his hand, to tell him I love him in person because I know the end is drawing near. It's drawing near for all of us, but he's spending more and more time in the hospital and declining rapidly in the last few months. I got to spend a really good hour with him last week- holding his hand, talking to him about my life, helping him drink water. And then we are in the hospital watching him suffer with a tube down his throat.

I wanted to be there for my mom. I didn't know what to say- I just know how to interact with doctors and decisions. He was in so much pain- they didn't give him enough medication. I felt so helpless and ended up just holding his hand while they poked him with needles and restrained his wrists and suctioned his lungs. I told him to relax and I tried to reassure him... and he was just so helpless and so miserable. I stood over him and I thought about what I could possibly say- what would I want to hear??? And then I heard his voice in my head, saying what he always says when I was sick or hurting, "I wish it was me and not you." And that's what I told him. My mom prayed for him. We were there for him. You don't leave someone you love alone when they are suffering. You don't abandon them when they have need. No one wants to be alone when they're helpless.

They finally transferred him to the correct hospital, and after dealing with a really arrogant security guard, we were finally allowed to check on him again- it was getting so late. I think we left around 1:30am. The care he received at both these places was so bad, it breaks my heart. He re-developed a bed sore today because they didn't turn him at all. He was cold and they had no blankets. I'm glad we could be there to advocate for him- I left wishing I could be the voice of the voiceless more often. I want to visit more old folks homes and be a foster parent. My mom was amazing, she would say to each new care giver, "This is my dad. I love him. His name is Mel. He's a good man."

I followed my mom home on the freeway. There's a sensation I get on the freeway at night- something I dearly love about Southern California. I roll down the windows, blast the music, and I take in the dark and the street lights, the headlights and the taillights. I love the curves of the freeway and I love knowing there's enough time for me to drive away my emotions- time to let the wind blow away the pain or calm the butterflies. I always want to paint the scenery I love the most- and oddly enough, I always want to paint the black freeway, the approaching dashed lines, the red taillights, the distant headlamps that blind, the slightly orange glow from the street lights, the reflecting orange cones and irritating construction signs. I want to see it every day. The sensation is something that makes me keenly aware of my mortality. I felt that tonight as I watched my mom's van a little ahead and to the left of me. We've been on this mission of love and commitment... flying through the night....I'll probably never see my grampa again... maybe this is the last time I'll see anyone. What if she's next? What if I'm next? What will death be like? What's it hurt like to lose a parent? Needtobreathe came on the radio and this song swallowed me up and the hormones came flying out of my eyes.... "God of mercy sweet love of mine, I have surrendered to Your design"  I heard it and as much as I'd like to wipe away my grampa's pain or trade places with him, that's not the design that God has for us. I went to a graveyard in Cambria and saw all the tiny stories about people's lives- here today and gone tomorrow. People- even the most beautiful, adventurous and remarkable of us-- we're all gonna die. Our stories will all be the same- we lived and we died. It was short. I once was young. And now I'm writhing in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat.

"May this offering stretch across the skies, And these Halleluiahs be multiplied"  Yes.

Where it all ends is in the offering of that short life to the One who designed it all. To the One to whom we sing hallelujah. It's all about Him. Give it all. Hold nothing back. He's watching and designing and soon we can either add to the hallelujah's or wish we had.

I Can Do Better

This Sunday, my pastor told a story about Henry Kissinger. The story is summarized here (I found it online here http://theleaderslocker.com/2011/07/08/is-that-the-best-you-can-do/) 

Lord was preparing a speech for Kissinger and delivered a draft.  Kissinger called him in the next day and simply said, “Is that the best you can do?”  Lord said, “I thought so, but I’ll try again.”  He returned a draft to Kissinger, only to be called back again and asked the same question, “Is that the best you can do?”  This back and forth continued several times until Lord, who was exasperated and exhausted, finally said, “Yes!  I know it’s the best I can do.  I can’t possibly improve one more word.”  Kissinger then replied, “In that case, now I will read it.”

I say that because today the Holy Spirit has helped me to see a little more clearly that I can surely live the Christian life better than I have been. I think I always know that, but I rarely see exactly what it is that I can do better WHILE I have the gumption to actually try.

So this is how it went:

My boss and I were talking about someone who I feel has not acted in full repentance. It is hard for me to see how we can be fully restored and "knit together in love" since this particular breach has never been fully reconciled. This has been a very difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around the last few years. Reconciliation seems so necessary to live the Christian life. How do we go about our business being unreconciled?!? I can't fathom. We just act like nothing ever happened and move on- maybe that's how it goes with family or very close loved ones, but with people on the outer levels?

Ok, on another note, I have been really bummed lately. I've been tired and worried... concerned about money and my future and really wrapped up in questions without answers. So many things make me sad. I feel lonely and unthankful and then catch myself and try to dig myself out of my self-pity. It's so dumb. I know it's dumb. But I keep doing it.

So these two things collide... by the power of the Holy Spirit! Ah! God is so good! It's so exciting to see Him work.

I'm thinking and thinking about this unreconciled person and the misery it causes to my heart...and I realize that it is not out of maliciousness that they remain unreconciled- it's out of ignorance. In fact, this person's life can be characterized by sheer ignorance to how a Christian should act. I think it's due to the lack of solid teaching in Kauai in general.

Suddenly, as I'm processing this, I was just really convicted about my own life. What is my role with this person? What can I do? What CAN I do?!? Rise above it... but I want to be more proactive. People need to be taught here. I have a really solid foundation under me. I have a good sense for what is Christlike and what is not because of years of training and being around older godly women. What can I bring to this community? I've been dragging my feet about women's ministry because I'm the youngest, single woman at my church. But how can I love young women in Kauai who are simply ignorant about reasonable Christian choices? It's not like I make the best choices all the time myself, but I have a better track record than what I've witnessed here.

What's next? I know I can do better. I've been whining and complaining- whether verbally or in my heart at least- about my situation here. At the very LEAST I can choose not to be weighed down by things I have no control over. These things shouldn't steal my joy. This is a faith issue on my part and results in worry vs. freedom to TRUST in God and His provision and His direction. I think I need to work on my own role... continue studying and clinging to the WORD more and more so that I can have the right perspective when I see a fellow believer who is not acting in a Christlike way. I want to treat them with compassion and love instead of being shocked or offended. I think that there is definitely a way I could be MORE useful and fruitful. I could help shape someone's understanding of Christ and the Bible instead of being put out by them. Teaching adults is not something I'm good at. I teach little children. I need to learn how to be more useful with the knowledge that I have. More loving with the love that has been shed in my life. More purposeful. More prayerful. More thoughtful. I need to read more. I need to take quiet time more.

Ultimately, I need more discipline. This is always my weakness. Discipline to TRUST and PRAY. Discipline to curb my thoughts. Discipline to do better. I can do better. With God's grace and with the enabling of the Holy Spirit, I can make a difference in my community. I can shine a light.

I keep trying to find a life On my own, apart from You I am the king of excuses I've got one for every selfish thing I do What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a savior  I wanna be in the light As You are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens Oh, Lord be my light and be my salvation Cause all I want is to be in the light  The disease of self runs through my blood It's a cancer fatal to my soul Every attempt on my behalf has failed To bring this sickness under control Tell me, what's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior This only serves to confirm my suspicions That I'm still a man in need of a savior  Honesty becomes me [there's nothing left to lose] The secrets that did run me [in your presence are defused] Pride has no position [and riches have no worth] The fame that once did cover me [has been sentenced to this earth] [there's no other place that I want to be] [no other place that I can see] [a place to be that's just right for me] [someday I'm gonna be in the light] [You are in the light] [that's where I need to be] [that's right where I need to be]

My Heart in Kauai

An anonymous poster commented on my the last exclamation of my heart from back in January. Whoever you are, you said you're hoping things will get better for me in Hawaii. So I'm sitting here thinking about it... I just completed my first year in Kauai. I usually write the most when I feel most lost. Writing is a part of my wandering and searching. I haven't written since January because I haven't had time, but I certainly wanted to. It's been so busy here and I got pretty sick for a few months- just too tired to do more than school work (which demands and awful lot!). 

We're a week away from starting a new school year. Things are definitely better than they were this time last year! I have a grasp on what I'm teaching. I have a grasp on the culture and the people in Hawaii. I don't cry every time I hear the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips. I have a church and I found people to love and serve. I have an amazing family at Olelo Christian Academy. I have been able to see my mom and brother and several friends in the last year on Kauai and I was able to go home at Christmas. More people are talking of coming to visit me this next year. I have a nice place to live- after moving 8 times, I think I can finally settle down and accomplish some of my personal goals. Life is so short! I want to focus on a few things to get really good at instead of spreading myself in every direction and accomplishing nothing. 

Hawaii has been good for that. I picked up paddle boarding, lei making, and I took hula classes for 3 months. I'm thinking about joining the canoe club and learning to surf. I want to explore the Hawaiian mountains more... maybe do some more kayaking in the ocean- I got to do an amazing kayak trip to Kalalau earlier this summer. I want to keep painting and....... TAXIDERMY! I love it!

I don't know about ministry. My church wanted me to help with women's ministry, but I find that I'm a little apprehensive about it. We'll see what happens this year. I am still teaching Sunday School. And I kind of attend 2 churches. Anahola Baptist and Kauai Baptist Temple. ABC is where I go on Sunday morning and I love the Ohana there. They are the ones that welcomed me to Kauai and have invested so much in my life here. KBT is where most of my coworkers attend and they have more get togethers and services through the week, so I often visit with them and participate in their gatherings. 

Anyway, I still have a lot of questions about my life and wonderings about what God has brought me here to accomplish. I sometimes get a little blue because I am getting OLD and every Mr. Wonderful I find does not think I am Miss Wonderful. So yeah... I'm just a big goober- emotionally tarrying my way through life and thanking God every day for HIS unfailing love, provision, care, and mercy. 

The things I pray about most are my financial situation and my friend situation. I have tiny, dwindling savings and still school debt to pay off, car problems looming, and no financial stability with my job. I really need to make more money, but all the ideas I have are exhausting. I don't have time to start a business or be a cleaning lady or anything else while I'm teaching full time. My school is making strides to pay us more in the years to come, but of course, that is in the years to come... and I need to pay for things right now. I don't know what will happen- I am trusting the Lord. I may need to just get a different job altogether, but thankfully I don't have to do that right now. It would break my heart to have to stop teaching here/ stop doing what I think God still wants me to do here (although I figure if He does not provide a way, He must not want me to do it any longer!). As for friends, there are not a whole lot of young, single Christians who want to or have time to do things on this island. I spend a lot of time with my boss and I am always hoping and praying more guys will come along to lighten his load of being "the guy" in the group. But also, my roommate just got married and moved off island, my other friends are having a baby.... there aren't really a whole lot of guys or girls. I will often want to go do something at night....especially if it's a beautiful full moon- and I feel like a caged animal when I can't find anyone to go with me. I don't think it's really safe to go a lot of places alone at night- there's a lot of shady people around- drug dealing and stuff. I trust God to provide that too.. He will send friends at the right time/ in His time. Maybe I need to have more loneliness, read more books, struggle uphill longer. There certainly is so much He needs to teach me yet. 

When I go home at night, I greet my bird: Sean Ipia. I have been munching on frozen pineapple while I read or watch a movie. I can never make it through a whole movie- I always fall asleep (I'm becoming my mother!). And then sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm not used to living alone. I'm used to other people dictating what I do and often being frustrated that I have to conform to someone with greater "pull" than me. I haven't even been there a month yet... I haven't figured out how to arrange the furniture... I come home and I sit there with Sean Ipia, I munch pineapple, and I stare.. .and I think... .and I think some more. I think I'm just processing my life and trying to figure out the puzzle pieces... trying to establish what comes next, what the priority should be.... and when I still haven't figured it out- I fall asleep- a restless sleep with crazy roosters crowing all night and keeping me awake. In the morning I stumble around trying to get coffee, eat mangoes and decide whether or not to vacuum my hair off the bathroom floor today or tomorrow. I finally go to work and spend myself there.... then go home and sit and think and munch some more. 

Soon I will not be sitting and thinking... I will be doing doing doing.... and when I do, maybe I will post some pictures. :)

A Lot Can Happen In a Year

I moved to Hawaii July '12. Now it's 2013 and I am starting to pick up the pieces. This song is completely appropriate at this point in my life. Thank you, Riley Armstrong!

I have so much to tell you

A lot can happen in a year

The days ran past like water downhill

Now that the dust has settled 

Now when the quiet knife appears

Dissecting all the distractions and

All the prayers I could have prayed

Are left ringing in my ears

You reach down and pick me up

When circumstances run aground

You stretch me out across the track

You get me, You get me

You're strong enough to take me back

Even my third second chance

You get me, You get me

I want so much to listen to all the lessons in a year

Bruises on a memory

I fumble through three hundred days like dominoes on roller skates

Your promises, by my finger nails, I'm holding on

You already know I want to know

When life plays out much different than

You meet me here

You understand

You get me, You get me

The days run past like water downhill 

Tears, Hormones, and Bono

Dear Bono,

I had a really rough day. I've been crying a lot this week and just when I thought things were getting better, the big one hit. So I cried until I really just had tears falling off my face.... past the point of knowing or caring what great sadness pricked me to begin with. All I could wonder was WHY do we cry? Why do my eyes drip drop when I'm emotional? Wouldn't you like to know, Bono? Here's what I learned: according to a paper by Wendy Nortlund, "When emotions affect us, the nervous system stimulates the cranial nerve, in the brain and this sends signals to the neurotransmitters to the tear glands. Thus, we cry .The largest tear gland, the lacrimal gland produces the tears of emotion and reflex. Many believe that the body, in times of emotional stress, depends on this gland to release excess amounts of chemicals and hormones, returning it to a stable state." I can't stop thinking about the connection between tears and hormones. I love the fact that tears are supposed to calm you down when you get all worked up. This reminds me of Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." When I was in high school, I would sing a song with those lines. I loved that song. I love to know that God cares about my sorrows. He doesn't tell me to shut up or that I'm stupid. He listens and I know that He is working on my behalf.... even if I'm selfish... even if I can't see the forest for the trees. What a good God!

Anyway, so getting back to this whole thing about tears... I know that when I am super PMSy, that I cry a lot. I always wondered why... what exactly are my hormones up to? Well, HELLO, they're pouring out my face. I'm more emotional at certain times of the month. Things that don't normally rock me will CRUSH my world... and I cry a lot. It's nice to know that the tears are there to bring back stability!!! That is so amazing! Bono, aren't you glad you learned all about tears now?

Then on my way home tonight, I was listening to the radio and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" came on. I can't separate that song from my youth. When I touched your shoe at the Elevation tour, it was one of the highlights of my life. Yes it was. And the morning after the concert I woke up singing Sunday Bloody Sunday from my sleep. Oh yes, I did. So tonight I heard you singing your guts out and I got emotional. And all I could think on the freeway drive home was, "Oh, God, please don't let Bono die. I will be so sad when he dies. I don't want to outlive that beautiful voice." The next thing I knew, I was totally sobbing, "I don't want Bono to diiiieeee!!" It was maybe one of the most crazy moments of my life. And tears are flowing off my face. Suddenly I'm reminded that tears are weird. I don't know why they flow. I need to look it up when I get home. I need to write to you, Bono and tell you all about my hope that you outlive me. I hope you go to heaven so I can listen to you forever. I'm so glad I touched your shoe. I'm so glad your music touched my heart. And then I was calmed... oddly calm... huffing and puffing at the stoplight down the street from my house. The music started to repeat, 

"Wipe the tears from your eyes

Wipe your tears away

Oh, wipe your tears away

Oh, wipe your tears away.

I wipe your tears away. 

I wipe your bloodshot eyes."

 So I wiped the tears away. And I laughed a little bit about my outburst over your impending mortality.  I will always love your music. And Sunday Bloody Sunday will always bring hormones pouring out my eyes. Bono, don't die.

And in case you want to listen right now.... 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQZLPV6xcHI

Reflections: My Saturday Job at the Salon

Today I started a new adventure. I'm not sure how long I'll be on this "trip," but I'm excited about the possibilities. I've been given the opportunity to work from 8:30-3ish on Saturdays at a hair salon called "Shag." I've been getting my hair cut there for a number of years... and I really like it. I feel comfortable there unlike some of the shi-shi-foo-foo salons where I am made to feel dirty or incompetent just crossing the threshold of the shop. I thought it would be a good way to earn some extra cash, some free hair enhancement.. haha.. yeah. Why not? I've been pouring myself in to learning new things lately. Ukulele class, watercolor class, taxidermy class, etc. Why not learn about hair stuff and get PAID to do it? Make some new friends and get paid for it..... get out of the bubble I'm in all week and get PAID for it?! Woo! I am giving up my Saturdays, but it doesn't have to last forever. I haven't been doing all that much with them anyway- sleeping in and cleaning and grading papers. Well, somehow I'm sure I'll still get all that done, but I'll also have a productive day at the salon too. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm excited about it. Funny thought for the day: the girl who trained me showed up wearing a strapless top that kept inching its way down all day. She was fairly bursting out of it and pretty proud of it. Later one of the stylists showed up with an extremely sheer skirt... you could see all under the whole thing... so the strapless girl looks at me with eyes wide open, "can you believe she wore that?! I can see right through it!".... and I just had to giggle. The shirtless one was shocked by the sheer one. Ahh... well. It was amusing. They were all really sweet and helpful to me and I look forward to working with them. It's definitely a new experience.

Dear Jeff Bridges

Jeff, I am listening to you singing some country music on AOL music sessions (http://music.aol.com/sessions/jeff-bridges-what-a-little-bit-of-love-can-do-sessions/?ncid=webmail13) and I just had to write you a little shout out. Thank you for putting your heart and humor into your work and life. I love that you laughed when you mention how you will have your granddaughter call you "Dude-pa"... that is one step up from what I call my gramps, "G-pa." You ARE the "dude." I am so glad that I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!! HA! I had to watch the movie with the volume way down low because of all the cussing. I would buy a clean version of it, but I think there would be almost nothing left! Do you know, after I watched The Big Lebowski, I went and bought a sweater like yours. Actually, I bought two. I found them on ebay. One was actually a nice sweater with a great design. The other one came free with the first one. It has a giant deer on the back- I figure it will be perfect for and "ugly christmas sweater party" or something silly like that. How did you wear that sweater through that whole movie? It's sooooo scratchy!!!

I'm trying to think of the first movie I saw with you. I think it was "The Mirror Has Two Faces." I watched it with my mom. I thought you were handsome, and I loved Barbara's "perfect bite"... but I was really bummed because she never looked fat to me. So her whole transformation didn't matter. She went from fab to fab. FAKE!!! Anyway, the next one I saw with you was "Blown Away." That film is one of my all time favorites forever and ever. I watched that movie too many times to count. No one understands why. People just look at me with total confusion when I say that's one of my favorites (right up there with Last of the Mohicans.) There are so many parts in there that actually cause me to giggle with glee... I hold my breath and grab the couch white knuckled as I wait for the next thing. Those creepy scenes were you're looking through the house to find a bomb- the suspense as you pull the light switch. Ahhh!!!! The car scene! Your dad blows up!?! Tommy Lee Jones sings U2.. AHHHH!!! I LOVED IT!! I also loved the ending credit song so much. I played that part so many times, the tape died.

Let's see. I saw Seabiscuit, but I wasn't really into horse movies.... of course, Iron Man- but I don't even remember your part. I was too distracted with the awesomeness of Robert Downey Jr., but I'm sure that was the point. I was amused by The Men Who Stare at Goats. You played the best Rooster Cogburn there ever could have been next to John Wayne- it was a very enjoyable dark remake of True Grit. Then I watched TRON Legacy and then I had to watch it again and again and again. I don't like to rewatch movies... only my favorites. You actually made it on my "favorites list" twice- maybe three times if I count Big Lebowski- but that's not official yet. Lastly, I saw Crazy Heart recently. I had that netflix disc on my desk from March to August. I just didn't have a lot of time and if I did, I didn't feel like watching it. I finally popped it in, and was totally blown away (do you like my pun? ha ha). I loved your singing so much, I bought the soundtrack. I'm surprised how much I liked that one- because I'm not a big country fan. It was good enough that I went and looked up all those old country singers on wikipedia and now I'm a whole lot smarter for it. I'm loving your music and it's making my morning. Thanks! Oh, and I also have to mention that I admire you as an actor because you seem professional and "normal" in the sense that you don't make a big deal out of yourself. You were also never afraid to let your hair flow. Go get em, Dude-pa!

Thanks for the entertainment, the music, keeping things interesting.

A fellow Crazy Heart,

Jill

Bears Bears Bears

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!!!

Bears are neat. That's all there is to it.

What kind of a creature is a bear? They are stranger than you imagine. Their noses are longer, their eyes smaller, their body stranger than I expect. Every time I look at a picture of one, it is far different than what I THOUGHT it would look like. I could never place them before, but after seeing a National Geographic article with lots of bear pictures-(in trees eating berries), I'm guessing they are sloth related. They have similar giant claws and structure. I have also heard "pig" before, but that is still hard for me to see. Pigs are hooved. What is a pig? Well, I guess that is a thought for another day. I'm just astounded by the created realm and all the neat things God put in it for us to marvel at. Enjoy some bears with me!

UPDATE!!!!!!

After posting this, I sat at my desk, looking at a little figure of Smokey Bear that I purchased in Klamath, CA earlier this summer. I wanted to buy all the Smokey merchandise I could find- because when I was a little kid, I had a big crush on that bear. He was so wonderful and honest. He gave me responsibility and trusted me to do what was right. He was strong and would save me from fire. Oh, what a bear! But then, as I went to find a good picture of Smokey, I realized that maybe I can't VISUALIZE a good bear with my eyes closed COULD be because I picture the cartoon version instead of the real thing.... hmmm... just remember... only YOU can prevent forest fires!

On The Precipice:::

I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow! Well, really later today... since it's 1am. I was going to write about my painting class, but I guess it will have to wait. I should have taken pictures of my progress every week, but I'm pretty sure this one will still have a LOT of improvements left to do. Each week I want to rip my paper up- I get so frustrated with it and see all the things I'm NOT doing well. But by the time I had a week for the frustration to wear off, I'm ready to go back. Tonight I found painting to be stress-relieving for the first time. It's usually stressFUL. Instead of freaking out about what to pack for my trip, I took a few hours to dabble with water and color... and it was really enjoyable. I think I'm going to like the final results that come in a few more weeks. My classmates gave me hope- everyone says the first one is really rough. Sounds normal. I think I can hack it.

Reflectons: Daniel Day-Lewis, Part 1

While I'm reviewing movies, I can't stop without mentioning some of Daniel Day-Lewis's

movies. He's always been one of my favorite actors. I think I watched Last of the Mohicans 500 times. For a long time I didn't try his other films because I thought they were too adult for me... I guess I'm a grown up now, so I decided it was time to become a Day-Lewis connoisseur. To be honest, it was Gangs of New York that pushed me into watching everything he ever made. Have you seen that man's crazy moustache?

Did you know there are fan groups dedicated to his moustache alone? I am now in that fan group. The man is amazing. I would read a book about him if it ever comes out. The brilliant thing is that he seems so private, his bio will probably always be a thing of legend. I read his wikipedia page in full and then decided to follow all his pages on facebook. There are so many stories about him online since he's such an intense method actor. (My personal favorite poke at him is the tumblr page dedicated to Day-Lewisisms- so much funnier than the Chuck Norrisisms that kept us amused a couple years ago.) He gives me a little bit of hope in his craziness.... the fact that he would learn to butcher meat in order to play the Butcher....

that he would learn to shoot and skin animals and basically BECOME Natty Bumppo (yes, I know the film was COMPLETELY untrue to the book, but really, who cares? In this case, and maybe the only case in my experience, the book loses and I cheer loudly)... that he would train like a boxer to play the boxer.... yeaaahhhh..... I think that's neat. Who knows if these tales are true of him, but- wikipedia isn't always wrong, right? There are so many things I want to learn how to do and I'm working towards that. He inspires me because he is dedicated and disciplined and because he is actually GOOD at what he does. I don't want to be an actor, but I do want to vigorously apply myself to my chosen fields. I want to excel. Who doesn't? I guess we can't all go on vacation in Florence for a couple years and learn how to be a cobbler and live in anonymity... or can I? I am well past my adolescence- when these things get cooked up in our heads-- but I am not past dreaming and pursuing my dreams.

This brings me to my thoughts concerning his films in the order in which I viewed them thus far:

1. Last of the Mohicans: one of my "all time favorite" films. I unabashedly love everything about it, especially the music, especially the first 5 minutes of deer hunting in hair-flying slow-mo, especially all the shooting and fast running. Yes, there is romance, but it doesn't all end up happy, and for some reason I like that a lot. DD-L, you made me wish I was adopted into a running, shooting, tracking, smarty pants Indian family in the same way I wished I had red hair like Anne of Green Gables.

2. Gangs of New York: I remember when I first saw the trailer- I got chills watching the characters parade around in their tall hats. Cameron Diaz and at that time, Leonardo DiCaprio, were two of my least favorite actors.... but it didn't matter, it was a gloriously costumed extravaganza with Natty Bumppo. It took me 9 years to finally see it and I can't help but think of it as a masterpiece. I don't recommend this movie to you... I don't want to watch it with you... but I want to frame shots of it all over my house. Maybe in my future kitchen- beside a painting of a pig that wears a top hat. I also want to read the book which inspired the film- what a fascinating history lesson. Herbert Ashbury also wrote about other cities, including my beloved San Francisco... I can't wait.

3. The Ballad of Jack and Rose: This one had many disturbing themes. I "enjoyed" watching it because I think it did a great job of dealing with those taboo items that we don't really dwell on much more than briefly during a history or ethics lecture. It's the kind of story they make kids read in high school. Not really surprising since Rebecca Miller, DD-L's wife, daughter of Arthur Miller, was the director. What must that lady's life be like? She was the DAUGHTER of Arthur Miller- the guy who wrote the Crucible. Man, did I have some serious issues with that story when I was in 11th grade. It all makes sense. She must have been exposed to so many dysfunctional ideas growing up- and she tried to twist it all into something beautiful. I don't know that she was glorifying the issues or just pointing them out. It's hard to tell-- but it was such a tragedy, such a waste of beauty. Thinking back to how horrified Jack was by what his daughter had become, how devastated he was by the things he failed her in, and by his apology to Rose at his death, maybe it wasn't a glorification of dysfunction

after all. It was just a sad story. I never want to watch another of her films. This one may be very "TRUE" but it does not add to the beauty.

The only thing I actually loved..... was the house they lived in, the free greenery, and his amazing tattoo.

4. A Room With A View: Ookkkk. I need to take a moment and mentally gather myself after seeing DD-L's character... WHOA. I love that he played such a horribly wimpy, dispassionate, pathetic excuse for a MAN. I found this picture that describes him as "upper class twit." That's pretty accurate. I found the "bathing in the creek" scene to be incredibly disturbing. Viewer Discretion Advised. How completely unnecessary was that 10 minute run around the creek?!? I know it was making a brief point that George was better suited to the family than Cecil, but.... that was ridiculous. And WHY did the priest have to get in on it as well? Apart from that, their tour in Italy vividly reminds me of some of my European adventures, and I love Helena Bonham Carter's amazing crazy hair.

5. The Boxer: Most surprising to me was how much I liked this movie. It wasn't really the story or the characters.... apart from contrasting DDL's wimpy Cecil with manly boxer Danny Boy... I just loved the lighting. I love the blue. I actually took a bunch of screen captures because I want to paint them. The colors. The intensity. The dedication to do what is right (apart from the adulterous relationship between the main characters. I really feel Maggie's pain, but.... that doesn't make it right. A little oxymoron there.) So, I think I will choose to paint these scenes in the future. They're beautiful. And I also want to learn how to jump rope like DD-L. I hated it in high school, but I think if I had seen clips of this guy jumping rope, it would have all made sense to me. I would have picked up my rope and commanded it to obey me- instead of awkwardly lumbering over the rope, giving pathetic hops here and there only to be tangled and defeated. No. I can learn to jump rope.

6. My Left Foot: Can you handle this? I could write a long essay about this film. DD-L did a killer job showing the world Christy Brown. Irish Brown was born with cerebral palsy and his parents didn't realize how brilliant he was until he was a teenager. He went on to learn to paint and write a number of novels and volumes of poetry. DD-Lhad to contort his body and play a very troubled character. This movie was so uplifting and so hopeful-I was in tears a few times for the poor guy who had to battle his prison of a body and who finally found love and an outlet- writing and painting with his left foot. This was such a striking story, (it reminded me of a book that formed a heart of compassion in me during my early years- Bright Valley of Love), I had to read all about Christy Brown afterwards. It turns out, he was a really manipulative man. That definitely came through in the movie, but when I found out the extent of it- that he had an affair with a married woman BEFORE he met the lady portrayed at the end of the story, I was disgusted. He really was such a terrible guy. Turns out he was the heartbroken AND the heartbreaker. Sadness. He died at 49 with an amazing life story, a mediocre artistic ability that he could have improved. Wikipedia says he choked on his meat and that perhaps his wife didn't bother trying to save him. I was so sad when I read about this man who really needed the Lord. Now I want to read Bright Valley of Love again for a more edifying understanding of this theme.

So, that is all for now. There's still a number of films to see. I can't wait for There Will Be Blood. Daniel Day-Lewis has effectively worked his way to being an inspirational person in my life- despite the sadness of some of his films. I can't really blame him for taking any of the roles he has.... sometimes stories just need to be told. He's an amazing story teller. I am listening.

Reflections: Captain America

To follow up my morning of shooting, my mom and I went to see Captain America. We had to pay for the 3D version which was silly- don't bother paying the extra bucks. After waiting in line at the concession stand for what seemed like an eternity and making friends with the man behind me, I finally got a cup of tea and some Junior Mints with which to enjoy the film. I have to admit, I really liked it. I'm such a sucker for these big action movies. I can't get enough of Iron Man or Tron. I even liked Thor- ludicrously corny as it was. The only ones I'm NOT thrilled about are Spiderman. Did you know that they made ANOTHER Spidey film?!?! I will be going to see the new Planet of the Apes before I see Spidey #214. These super hero things appeal to me... I'm reminded of Heroes- I loved that show. I cried when it ended. Haha. Sad.

Back to Capt. America. I loved the costumes, the glowing blue lights, the way he can outrun a car and outswim a submarine. Now that's entertainment. I liked the girl in this one too- she was pretty but not over the top. I enjoy a story like this so much more when they don't ooze sex. Tron was delightful in that way as well. There was a pretty girl, a handsome guy, and interesting story, and barely a hint of romance. I just find it a lot easier to identify with the characters that way. What does that say about me? Haha. Oh well. I recommend this one.... I would actually watch it again which is a rare thing indeed. Captain America is patriotic, courageous, selfless, and true. Sounds good to me.

Reflections On My Rifle

Today my dad took me shooting. I got this really nice Ruger 10/22. for my birthday since one of my goals was to learn to hunt and fish by the time I turned 30. Well, today we got up early and made our way to the local shooting range. I wasn't sure what to expect. I think I've participated in target practice when I was a little kid... or on Big Buck Hunter Pro (yeah!!!)... but certainly not since I could actually remember it and not with my OWN gun. I learned some things:

• It's annoying to be where tons of people are shooting and where you have to follow all their safety rules. I would prefer to be off in the wilderness learning or maybe at some indoor shooting range where they are sectioned off better. I hate having someone's shells flying into my face.
• It WAS neat to see lots of other weapons. I got to fire a handgun and another rifle as well. I enjoyed being able to hit targets with each gun I tried out.
• If I go there again, I've got to get maybe 3 targets to put at different ranges so I can work on accuracy without waiting for them to clear the field.
• I like my gun. It's a nice, reliable little thing. One of my magazines got kinda sticky, so I'll have to work that out. It shoots almost as lightly as a pop gun- less "backfire" or whatever you call it than even a paintball gun.
• I hit my target pretty well. Mostly in the lower right corner, but I WAS hitting my target. I think I only got one bullseye..I need to work that out with my scope.
• It was nice to play with guns with my family members. Kind of memorable. Even Grampa and Great Aunt Gloria came. I will probably do this again.

Someday I'd like to try a moving target.... I know it's probably sad to those who might read this or who don't understand, but I'd like to try to get a squirrel or a bird or something. I used to be one of those who thought that was just HORRIBLE!!! But not really anymore... now I get why people do it. And I am still seeing this as a means to helping me learn taxidermy.

So we'll see how it goes. And now I'm thoroughly wiped out and gonna take a sweet nap!!

New Ideas

SUMMER. I love it. And this is a good one. For me it includes a two week road trip to Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Washington, and San Francisco, learning German, meeting my nephew, taking watercolor classes, and going to Hawaii next week! I've also been reading and watching movies and going to concerts. I come away from these big events and I realize that I actually feel like writing again. I used to have this hunger to express my thoughts on paper... and it really went away through my college experience. A year and a half after finishing college, I was really disappointed that the hunger hadn't returned. Maybe I just needed some down time to decompress my thoughts and let them wander again. Time to think and mull. I am prone to introspection, but when things are so intensely busy I lose the ability to process and plan. Don't you know what I mean?

There are few weeks left before my return to work. I'm going to try to capture some of my summer experiences in blog form. So far: Grand Canyon, Roadtrips, Seattle, San Francisco, Dolly Parton, Shane, Future of Forestry, Daniel Day-Lewis.

I better get busy. I've got so many thoughts starting to spill out. I don't want to forget.

Making it Through

As the end of the school year draws nigh, I am feeling introspective and reminiscent. This year has been ROUGH. Here I am at 29 years old. I was 22 when I started working at Grace. Time flies. Over these painful months since I last wrote in October:

• I have ruled out 3 relationships that kept me wondering about their potential for at least 5 years. These relationships are gone and it's really freeing.
• I finally taught 2nd grade and realized how vital the summer months are for preparing for the upcoming year. I will actually be able to plan ahead this summer so I can have a better go at it next time.
• I have been through one of the worst trials of my life at my workplace/church... I am still seeing it come to some sort of resolution. I learned a lot through this painful time and see how God faithfully purifies His church.
• I had the flu twice. It was so awful. But it was only twice... so glad that was it. Next year: I will wear a mask to school when the kids get all snotty sick!
• I discovered my love for taxidermy and the possibility of a future career in case teaching doesn't stick.
• I grew my hair out and will keep it growing... although I do think of cutting it all the time.
• I am finally joining a fellowship group and going as often as possible to a study with a really neat group of girls.

I don't have a lot to say. I just wanted to think back on what I've been through. I'm looking forward to the future- forward to changes and growth and peace. I am taking a break this summer... not working, going on a roadtrip to several national parks and up to washington/canada area and San Francisco. My sister will be here for a month and I am excited to meet my nephew. I'll be able to read and think and write and prepare for next year.... and then, hopefully, I'll be able to meet more of my goals in the near future. There is definitely a sense of hopefulness in my heart. I am thankful.

Life Thoughts

I've been living like a stressed-out wild woman since March... with the exception of 3 weeks in the summer when I went on a 7 day cruise to Mexico and housesat for some friends for 2 weeks. Yeah. Those were good times. But then I started to prepare for teaching 2nd grade... and the insanity began. I really thought things would be different when I was done with college, but it's just gotten more difficult and more stressful. I've been having issues with hair loss and weight gain and even mild depression at times. So I've been wanting to find ways to improve my quality of life while things ARE hard and hectic.... and my searching led me to this and it makes me laugh now:

Video of a commune in Monterey, Ca : http://www.nps.gov/aboutus/workwithus.htm

and it totally appealed to me. Really? A commune? A purposeful community? It actually sounds so great. I like the idea. I would love to teach (provide a quality education for) a small group of children in a community like that. Be their purposeful, long-term tutor... and also have a life. Wow, that would be so cool!

In the end, my thoughts go back to the Oaks Christian Camp-- where I have wanted to work for a few summers now. Maybe I can make it a summer commune/kid ministry thing. I am going to pray about the possibilities.

Just remember to have a billion stones of respect for your teachers. You have no idea how hard it is to care for so many kids all day long, all year long. Wow... I guess you can't really know unless you were a teacher. Give them a hug. Offer to grade some papers... most of all, teach your kids how to be respectful and how to obey....

Ultimately, I decided to stop worrying about my life... I know that God will take care of me. I know things will work out alright. Maybe my life will be so different than I expect from this point right now-- it's been SO DIFFERENT than I expected from when I was a kid or even 10 years ago.. or even 5 years ago.

Here we go, plodding forward through the drought and soul-breaking work: "It is the nature of the strong heart, that like the palm tree it strives ever upwards when it is most burdened." - Sir Philip Sidney

To persevere, I remember Isaiah 61:3

"To grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."

Psalm 1

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night.

He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,

Which yields its fruit in its season

And its leaf does not wither;

And in whatever he does he prospers.

The wicked are not so,

But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,

But the way of the wicked will perish.

Chickens!!

I've begun the "Great Catching Up." I would compare it to the "Great Migration" that Littlefoot makes to get to the Great Valley in the The Land Before Time. Why is that on my mind? Maybe because tonight I went to see my old friend, Tiana, and she has a ton of animals.

I have not been able to hang out with her in over a year. She moved back from Illinois and I was really sad that we couldn't get together because of my school work. Well, today was the first attempt at social-ness in a long time... and I went to see her and found that she is the mother to a whole flock of chickens, 2 geese, 3 cats, 1 dog, 2 fish, a flock of quail and various other pets, plants, and a grandma! :)

It was so good to catch up with her! Oh, friends, how I have missed you!

And she said she would give me a call when her chicks hatch- in about 3 weeks. I've never held a baby chicken before. The big ones are a little creepy. She had crazy chickens with big fluffy heads, and chickens with "fur" instead of feathers, and small chickens, and chickens that lay green eggs... ohhh.. chickens, where have you been all my life?!

New Seasons: 10 Goals

I am done.

I finished my B.A. after 5 years of torture. There were good times, sure, but I have concluded that if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't do it again. Optimistically, I have no regrets. I had to do it and I did.... but I'm glad it is done. I have no intention of pursuing my teaching credential... but I'm excited to keep learning. I feel like I just gave birth after 5 years of labor. Thankfully this "baby" came with honors.... and I can't wait to get my diploma.

Some of my goals for this new phase of life:

1. Read tons of books that I wished I could have spent time on when I was buried deep in text books. Maybe I'll blog about it since I don't have to write papers anymore.

2. Organize and purge my stuff and wardrobe. I didn't bother to think about it while I was so busy. After I clean stuff out, then I want to make my room a prettier place to live. Eventually I would like to focus on moving so I'd like to "get it together."

3. Make stuff!!!! I have soooo many projects I want to do. I'm going to start painting again. I want to learn to quilt and sew better and take a cake frosting class. I want to make clothes for my Blythe doll and sell them on Etsy. I might even look up a sewing class right now! Yea!

4. Learn how to cook. You know, I can follow any recipe, but there is just something more to cooking than that... experimentation....

5. Lead a more disciplined and chaos-free life. I need to exercise every day. I've gained a lot of weight while sitting around writing papers and reading books. It's time to work that out. I'm feeling some dread but I'm also excited to see the changes happen-- and hopefully they will be life changes that I never have to relearn again.

6. Budget and Travel. I've been working out a budget to help me get out of debt. I have school loans to pay back and also personal debt that I have never been able to shed... but I have some good plans to make big changes fast. Part of my budgeting is for travel. My sister lives in South Africa... and she is having a baby this summer. I can't make it out this year, but I want to find a way to get out there sooner than later. I have finally realized how the teacher life works. It's hard. You go to work and then when you go home exhausted and your feet hurt and your brain hurts, then you work some more. You make lessons and grade papers and come up with fun things to do and better ways to teach. It's great, but before I realize it, I've spent all my waking hours WORKING. I've come to accept it... but then I really look forward to days and weeks off. Thankfully, I won't be cramming papers and books into those vacations anymore. I'm going to ENJOY them. I'm going to make the most.

Places to go: France to see the Anthony's, Africa to see my sister, Hawaii to see the Costales family, Colorado to see the Dryden's, Kentucky to see Liz & Kristil, and South America just because I want to.

7. Be a better teacher. I've had to squeeze all my teacher things around my classes, but no more! Now I can focus on one thing and not have my heart all divided up. The possibilities are endless!!

8. Catch up with friends. TOO many relationships on hold. I can't wait to go around and catch up with all the people I've said, "I can't" to for too long. =)

9. Ministry. I haven't been in a fellowship group at my church for about 3 years. Thankfully, I've got a huge support group of friends and family, but I want to be more purposeful about where I choose to serve the Lord. The first thing is I need to figure out where and how the Lord wants me to serve Him....

10. Most importantly, I want to devote myself to the Word. I have earnestly wanted to read the Bible every day and all the way through, plus do focus studies... but my efforts at this have been pitiful to say the least while I've had so much homework.

It is time!

I'm going to write about it as I go. I always loved to write, but I think my creative energy was all used up in papers... so I've been silent for a long time. Things are going to get interesting now. :)

Ok, well the first thing for today:

Find a sewing class.

Exercise.

Grade 300 papers.

Visit Grampa and bring him an icecream cake.

Go to bed early so I can make it to 1st service at church tomorrow.

Have a nice Saturday!!

Oh, and I want to show you the little "reward" I bought for myself. She is "First Prom Petite Blythe." She's actually--- Graduation Blythe. Something lost in translation? I can't wait till she comes!!

Yosemite & San Francisco

I'm leaving tomorrow for Yosemite & San Francisco. I will see Mt. Tam again. I'm going to bring my camera and a bag of drawing supplies. I have a couple books and a sack of lanyards. I might choose some things to work on, but I also might sit... and sit... and think...

I'm bringing my journal.

I'm leaving everything else.

The phone is only for emergencies.

All of this makes me very happy.

Listening to Tracy Chapman..

& Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable"

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget."

Soon I'll be so far away.

One day at a time.